Hey, Betsy, I think I'll take you up on that offer for help attaching my new cover. I managed to insert my revised cover after you showed me the first time, but my brain is pretty zombified right now. Thanks!
Thanks, everyone! I've included a little sample (one of the not-so-crude sections) of THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK:
FROM "THE HANDBOOK FOR IMMORTAL ETIQUETTE" CHAPTER SIX, SECTION 13, RULES FOR LIVING AN ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY AND URBANE, UNDEAD LIFESTYLE
As you might have already guessed, immortals live a very long time; therefore, they tend to leave a bigger carbon footprint on the planet than their mortal counterparts. In this day and age, where conservation is key for the success of future demonic generations, every immortal must do his/her/its part in preserving the environment. Therefore, according to chapter six, section 13, codes, A-E, each and every immortal must adhere to the following guidelines:
A. Every immortal shall dispose of his/her dead human waste following appropriate recycling regulations. Bodies or remains of bodies shall be properly recycled or eaten to avoid the build-up of left-over waste. Immortals must reuse excess parts by converting the remains to compost, mulch, or clean fuel. Immortals without composters can also employ flesh eating slugs, werewolves, or rabid, demonic, possessed animals to dispose of the remains.
B. Any dwelling or structure where the immortal resides must be made from ancient materials (Egyptian tombs or antiquated caskets) or from recycled, biodegradable materials.
C. Immortals who use cars as their primary method of transport must only drive vehicles that get at least forty miles per gallon. No exceptions! Witches and wizards must make sure their brooms adhere to the most current EPA regulations. If no clean method of transportation is procurable, immortals can always make like zombies and walk.
D. When the need to feed arises, immortals must choose victims in this descending order:
1. Humans who do not preserve the environment (example, soccer moms who drive gas-guzzling Surburbans)
2. Ugly or annoying people (example, Rosie O'Donnell, the Dixie Chick with no neck, though finding a spot to bite may prove tricky, Kathy Griffin, or Carrot Top)
3. Ugly or annoying animals (example, three-legged dogs, rats, goats, the Dixie Chick with no neck, Kathy Griffin or Carrot Top)
E. Immortals must only listen to music within their assigned races:
VAMPIRES - disco
ZOMBIES -Very loud pipe organ music or any music properly befitting a cheesy, low budget, independent film
SHAPE-SHIFTERS - Classic rock
WEREWOLVES - Heavy metal
WITCHES AND WIZARDS - Eighties music, Justin Bieber, or any other form of music that would make humans want to burn out their eardrums with flaming poker sticks
ALL OTHER UNDEAD CREATURES, particularly those with no taste or very little importance in the immortal world - Country