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My new trashy vamp/zombie/werewolf parody is OUT!!!

778 Views 14 Replies 11 Participants Last post by  PJJones
My newest parody (6000 words) has just released for only 99 cents! The Vampire Handbook, featuring bonus reads: The Zombie Handbook and the Were-Thing Handbook
Warning, this story has ADULT humor.

No one is spared in this one:
The Twilight Series
Casey Anthony
Justin Bieber
Kathy Griffin
Anthony Wiener
Tiger Woods
Sarah Palin
Rosie O'Donnell
Donald Trump
Hugh Heffner
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kim Kardashian and more....

I am lame and will try to figure out how to attach the cover to my sig line.

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Congrats on the new release!  EXCITING!
Good luck!  ;D

(I still think you need sparkles on the cover. :D :D )
That cover F***ng Rocks! I hope this a good seller for you!
Vamp/zombie/werewolf?  In other words: blood, pus, and hair?  Sounds more like a horror show to me!  Grats on release!  Sounds like it should do well
Pj, you can also promo a new release in the Book Bazaar.
woot! Just bought it! It was about time I adapted to this popular albeit gross lifestyle anyway  ;)
Romi - You'll find it extremely useful.  And also amusing.  I recommend Depends.
SheaMacLeod said:
Romi - You'll find it extremely useful. And also amusing. I recommend Depends.
I always keep Depends on hand for this very reason (like the intense belted ones, go big or go home...)

Congratulations on your book! If you need help with your signature, just let me know!

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Congrats on the release! If it s half as funny as Romance Novel, then depends are certainly in order  ;D
Hey, Betsy, I think I'll take you up on that offer for help attaching my new cover. I managed to insert my revised cover after you showed me the first time, but my brain is pretty zombified right now. Thanks!

Thanks, everyone! I've included a little sample (one of the not-so-crude sections) of THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK:


As you might have already guessed, immortals live a very long time; therefore, they tend to leave a bigger carbon footprint on the planet than their mortal counterparts. In this day and age, where conservation is key for the success of future demonic generations, every immortal must do his/her/its part in preserving the environment. Therefore, according to chapter six, section 13, codes, A-E, each and every immortal must adhere to the following guidelines:

A. Every immortal shall dispose of his/her dead human waste following appropriate recycling regulations. Bodies or remains of bodies shall be properly recycled or eaten to avoid the build-up of left-over waste. Immortals must reuse excess parts by converting the remains to compost, mulch, or clean fuel. Immortals without composters can also employ flesh eating slugs, werewolves, or rabid, demonic, possessed animals to dispose of the remains.
B. Any dwelling or structure where the immortal resides must be made from ancient materials (Egyptian tombs or antiquated caskets) or from recycled, biodegradable materials.
C. Immortals who use cars as their primary method of transport must only drive vehicles that get at least forty miles per gallon. No exceptions! Witches and wizards must make sure their brooms adhere to the most current EPA regulations. If no clean method of transportation is procurable, immortals can always make like zombies and walk.
D. When the need to feed arises, immortals must choose victims in this descending order:
1. Humans who do not preserve the environment (example, soccer moms who drive gas-guzzling Surburbans)
2. Ugly or annoying people (example, Rosie O'Donnell, the Dixie Chick with no neck, though finding a spot to bite may prove tricky, Kathy Griffin, or Carrot Top)
3. Ugly or annoying animals (example, three-legged dogs, rats, goats, the Dixie Chick with no neck, Kathy Griffin or Carrot Top)
E. Immortals must only listen to music within their assigned races:
VAMPIRES - disco
ZOMBIES -Very loud pipe organ music or any music properly befitting a cheesy, low budget, independent film
SHAPE-SHIFTERS - Classic rock
WEREWOLVES - Heavy metal
WITCHES AND WIZARDS - Eighties music, Justin Bieber, or any other form of music that would make humans want to burn out their eardrums with flaming poker sticks
ALL OTHER UNDEAD CREATURES, particularly those with no taste or very little importance in the immortal world - Country
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