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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
After a couple of my beta readers have gotten back to me (thank you both very much!) I've decided that Inferno, the sequel to Tempest, is going live on July 1st.  It turns out that I didn't have to do much editing as I feared I'd have to, but I am still waiting for the third beta read. 

Now I need to start getting a blurb together.  Here's my first attempt.  Note: the POV is split pretty evenly between two different characters.


Destroyers, Book Two

Leading a race of human hurricanes isn't easy, as sixteen-year-old Janelle has learned.  Ever since taking the throne as Tempest High Leader, she's had to wear a business suit even on weekends, get nagged by the Elder Council on a constant basis, and struggle for time to even hold hands with her new boyfriend, Gary.  Her Hawaii vacation isn't shaping up to be any simpler, either.  Especially since she's met Kenna, a local sophomore with a problem: she makes the volcanoes on the Big Island start rumbling when she's nearby.  Nearly getting roasted alive by lava isn't Janelle's idea of a vacation, even if Kenna seems nice enough, so she's got to get to the bottom of this.  After all, this is the first time in Tempest history they've met another kind of walking disaster. 

But Kenna soon turns up missing, kidnapped by a mysterious woman, and it's up to Janelle to track her down.  If she doesn't, Kenna's secret could spell the end of civilization, and the death fo Gary and everyone else Janelle loves.
 

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Honestly, I like everything but the first line. Something about that particular combo of the present participle with the dependent clause really dampens its impact for me.

Maybe something to provide immediate contrast with her old life (e.g., Life was simpler/easier when Janelle didn't have to lead a race of human hurricanes) or 'Life was easier for Janelle when she didn't have to lead a race . . .' Well, those aren't the greatest examples, but they get across what I'm talking about. Plus, it may be just a personal thing, but I always find blurbs stronger when they immediately mention the character's name, it provides me an immediate anchor to the story beyond concept.

Does that make sense?

Typo in the last line 'fo' instead of for.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks Jabeard. Normally I suck at writing blurbs, and this helps.

(Say, have we run into each other on another site? Your name looks very familiar.)

Here's the revised:

Sixteen-year-old Janelle found life a lot easier when she wasn't leading a race of human hurricanes called Tempests. Ever since taking the throne as Tempest High Leader, she's had to wear a business suit even on weekends, get nagged by the Elder Council on a constant basis, and struggle for time to even hold hands with her new boyfriend, Gary. Not to mention, keep track of which typhoons are late this year and who's refusing to transform when they're supposed to.

Her Hawaii vacation isn't shaping up to be any simpler, either. Especially after meeting Kenna, a local sophomore with a problem. She makes the volcanoes on the Big Island start rumbling when she's nearby. Nearly getting roasted alive by lava isn't Janelle's idea of a vacation, even if Kenna seems nice enough, so she's got to get to the bottom of this, and fast. After all, this is the first time in Tempest history they've met another kind of walking disaster.

But when Kenna turns up missing, kidnapped by a mysterious woman, it's up to Janelle to track her down. If she doesn't, Kenna's secret could spell the end of civilization, and the death of Gary and everyone else Janelle loves.
 

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You critiqued a couple of chapters of my YA Urban Fantasy "The Emerald City" (now renamed Osland if I ever get around to finishing my revisions) on CC. I critiqued a few of the opening chapters of Rita Morse and the Sinister Shadow.

I'm pretty much 'jabeard' everywhere (it's just my first and middle initial + my last name).
 

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Yours was fine. But here's my quick stab on the notion that sometimes less is more:

Ever since becoming leader of the human hurricanes called Tempests, 16-year-old Janelle has had to wear a business suit (even on weekends!), take constant orders from the Elder Council, and struggle for time to spend with her boyfriend.  So now she's overdue for a vacation.

But the trip to Hawaii quickly presents its own problems when she meets Kenna, a local sophomore who makes the volcano start rumbling when she's nearby. So when Kenna gets kidnapped, Janelle has to find her before the catastrophes can start. Is Janelle up to the task?
 

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There was a lot of good details to work with within your description. It needs a bit more punch to make it more captivating. My re-write isn't perfect, but I hope it gives you some ideas:

Leading a race of human hurricanes isn't easy, as sixteen-year-old Janelle has learned.

Ever since taking the throne as Tempest High Leader, she's had to wear a business suit (even on weekends), get nagged by the Elder Council on a constant basis, and struggle for time to even hold hands with her new boyfriend, Gary. The Hawaii vacation she's been wanting to take for months just to get away from everything--and everyone--isn't shaping up to be any simpler, either.

Soon after arriving in Hawaii, Janelle meets Kenna, a seemingly sweet girl and local sophomore with a problem. Kenna makes the volcanoes on the Big Island start rumbling when she's nearby. Getting roasted alive by lava isn't Janelle's idea of a vacation. She has no choice but to give up her days laying on the beach and, being the leader she is, get to the bottom of why, in the first time in Tempest history, they've met another kind of walking disaster.

Before Janelle has a chance to figure things out, Kenna goes missing.

Kidnapped by a mysterious woman, it's up to Janelle to find Kenna. If she doesn't, Kenna's secret could spell the end of civilization, and the death of Gary and everyone else Janelle loves.


Hope that helps!

P.S: I disagree that a short blurb is better. A book description isn't the same as "book summary". It is a salesletter for your book. It needs to give enough details for the reader to begin to care, or at least be intrigued by, the main character.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks so much, everyone, for your ideas! Here's the latest version:

Leading a race of human hurricanes is hard work, as sixteen-year-old Janelle is learning. Ever since becoming Tempest High Leader, she's had to wear a business suit even on weekends, get nagged by the Elder Council constantly, and struggle for time with her new boyfriend, Gary.

Is her Hawaii vacation any better? Nope. Especially after meeting Kenna, a local sophomore who makes volcanoes start rumbling when she's nearby. It's the first time in Tempest history they've met another kind of walking disaster. But before Janelle can learn more, Kenna goes missing.

Now it's up to Janelle to track her down. If she doesn't, Kenna's secret could spell the end of civilization, and the death of Gary and everyone else she loves.
 

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I like Steve's or the one immediately above. The sooner I see the conflict, in this case the kidnapping and end of civilization, the more likely I am to finish the blurb. And finishing leads to clicking BUY.
 

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Personally, I would tell the blurb in Kenna's POV, since as a fan of Tempest I was looking forward to what the next book would bring as far as a new destroyer. Plus, you start the book in Kenna's POV.

I might start with something like: When sixteen-year-old Kenna visited XXXX volcano it began to rumble, and hot lava almost incinerated her.

To me, that's what grabbed me with the story. I'd try to write the rest, but I really suck at writing blurbs! :p

Oh, and if you decide to not go with Kenna's POV, that's fine because I do like what you've written too. :D

Vicki
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thanks for the comments!  I'll try starting with Kenna's POV in the blurb, and keeping it short.  If this doesn't work, I'll probably stick with something like Steve's as most people seem to like that one. 


Fifteen-year-old Kenna has a problem.  On her class field trip to Hawaii Volcanoes National Park, her presence makes a crack open in the earth, nearly roasting her classmates alive with lava.  Perhaps defying her parents' orders not to attend the trip was a bad idea.

When sixteen-year-old Janelle, now Tempest High Leader, meets her, she knows her Hawaii vacation is over.  For the first time, she's met another kind of walking disaster.  But before she can get to the bottom of why, Kenna disappears. 

Now if Janelle can't track her down, Kenna's secret could spell the end of civilization, and the death of Gary and everyone else she loves.
 
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