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“Finally,”. Claudia said as her sister Mary slipped her into her wedding gown. 
It’s been 6 months since Prince Wallace George IV proposed to his bride-to-be Princess Claudia Grey. The couple has been spotted everywhere in Arundel and the public just couldn’t seem to get enough of them. And all the stress and planning finally lead up to this big day.
“Stop moving I can’t pin in theses stupid Bobbi pins,” Mary said with a frustrated tone. 
“Mary can we try to hurry it up I don’t want to be late the carriage is waiting outside,” Claudia said annoyed. 
“Ugh! I wish mom was here to do this.” Mary looked in Claudia’s eyes and she could see her eyes getting glossy and immediate sadness was brought upon her. They had lost their mother, Queen Elizabeth, two years ago from breast cancer. The doctors said there was nothing they could do to save her, so they had to pull the plug on her. When anyone mentions their mom, Claudia tends to get on the sad side because she and her mom were very close, they fanaticized on how her wedding would be perfect, and Claudia's only choice was to move on without her mother.
“Sorry, Claud I didn’t mean it like that.” She lied. Claudia sniffled and took the Bobbi pin and pinned it in the center of her hair. It pierced her scalp a little bit as her mother would say beauty is pain.
Claudia looks at herself and she looks truly regal. Her strapless, pale-grey dress of semi-embroidered fabric accentuated her thin waist, hugged her hips, and flared out a bit. A V-slit on the side revealed a less embroidered under the fabric. It was perfect. 
“Oh, wait for the veil.” Mary ran to the brown dresser in the corner of the room and opened it and grabbed the veil it had belonged to their mother when she got married to their father King Henry Grey III. Claudia felt that it was right to have a piece of her mother with her while she would walk down the aisle.
AWW!! You look beautiful with your royal highness. Said Sophie, the girl’s maid. “Prince Wallace is not going to know what hit him. Now chop your father and Mr. Zabala waiting for you two in the carriage.” 
They all left the room and followed Sophie out the front of the castle to the carriage where Mr. Zabala and their father King Henry were waiting for them.
“Hello, Father”. Both Claudia and Mary said in sync. 
“Oh, hello my dear girls”. Said King George with an elated tone
“Father doesn’t Claudia look beautiful she looks like a supermodel,” Mary said excitedly. 
“Now I don’t know about the supermodel, but she does look just like her mother. Said King George leading in about the whisper in her ear.” 
“I see you found the veil.” 
Yes. Claudia murmured.
“Sir sorry to interrupt but we should step on it if we don’t want to be late for the wedding,” Mr. Zabala said whispering in the King's ear while looking at his clock. 
Mr. Zabala helped Claudia and Mary into the carriage and closed the door and hopped on the horse and began to proceed on the trail. Mr. Zabala is a well-trusted staff of the royal family. He helps them with their personal needs and runs many errands for them.
The carriage finally came to a stop meaning they arrived at the church. The white doors of the church were wide open and you could see the linen carpet laid out across the aisle. Mr. Zabala helped Mary out and she walked down the aisle with Prince Wallace’s best man Peter. The flower girl Wallace’s baby sister Misty walked down the aisle as well. Now it was Claudia’s turn, so many thoughts were going through her mind she could not focus at all.
“My Princess it’s time,” said Mr. Zabala helping her out the carriage.
King Henry got out right after and took Claudia’s arm and they began to walk. When they entered the church, everyone stood up and applauded for the princess. Claudia could see Wallace and how handsome he looked at this moment she knew he was meant to be. When she reached the front of the altar King Henry kissed her on the hand and stood in the front row. 
“Please sit”. Said the Priest. 
“We are gathered here today to unite Claudia Grey and Wallace George IV in marriage. The nature of this relationship is shared recognition as a lover, an accompaniment and a mate. A good and balanced relationship is one in which no one is overshadowed or consumed by the other, in which no one is afraid of the other, in which both of us willingly and without envy offer their mutual love. Marriage is, preferably, a common vision, desire, and duty. It takes a special effort to develop together, to endure difficult times and to be caring and selfless.”
“Do you both pledge to share your lives openly with one another, and to speak the truth in love?”
“I do.” Claudia and Wallace said in sync
“May we please bring the rings.” The priest asked.
Mary handed the rings that were on a white silk pillow to the priest.
“May these rings be blessed as a symbol of your union. As often as
either of you looks upon these rings, may you not only be reminded of
this moment but also of the vows you have made and the strength of
your commitment to each other.”
“Wallace repeat after me.”
“I Wallace George IV promise to love and support Claudia and live each day with kindness, understanding, truth humor and passion with this ring I thee wed.”
Wallace repeated after the priest word-for-word and took Claudia’s hand and put on the ring.
“Claudia repeat after me.”
“I Claudia Grey promise to love and support Wallace and live each day with kindness, understanding, truth humor and passion with this ring I thee wed.”
She did the same and took Wallace’s hand and placed the ring on his finger. 
“Go now in peace and live in love, sharing the most precious gifts you have-the gifts of your lives united. And may your days belong on this earth. I now pronounce you husband and wife. Wallace, You may kiss the bride.” 

Wallace wrapped his hand around Claudia’s wait pulled her in as they pressed their lips together.
Applauded filled the room while everyone clapped for the newly wedded couple as they walked down the aisle united as 1.
Back in the carriage on the way to the wedding reception Claudia had not said one word she seemed off and this made Wallace worry.
“Hey beautiful you okay?” Wallace asked curiously.
“Oh…yeah I’m great just can’t wait for you to know … party.” Claudia was lying. Through the whole wedding ceremony, her mom was the only person she had on her mind. But she did not want to have Wallace or anyone else worried about her. 
“Were here!” Mary shouted from the back of the carriage as they pulled up to the castle where the reception was being held in the ballroom.
As the new couple entered the room everyone stood to their feet clapping and cheering for them. Each and person they truly loved and cared for was their Wallace’s parents King Wallace George III and Queen Edna George, Mary, Mr. Zabala even Sophie was there. It was everything that Claudia had ever dreamed of even though her mother was not there to celebrate with her she would make sure she partied enough for the both.
Claudia stepped to the middle of the ballroom to make a speech.
“Thank you, everyone, for coming out and supporting us. We know many of you have traveled a great distance to see us get married and Wallace and I are very grateful for that. I would like to thank my bride’s maid my sister Mary for helping me stay calm and look extremely beautiful. I would also like to thank Mr. Zabala, Sophie, and My Father. They have been guiding me through this very long journey. Lastly, I would like to recognize someone very special and dear to every one of us. My mother Queen Elizabeth Grey, even though she may not be here with us without her teaching and guidance through the years of my life I would never be able to stand here before you with my husband Wallace George IV who I am so thankful for. He is always there by my side no matter what it is which is why I truly appreciate him and love him. Now, who’s ready to Party!”
After Claudia finished her speech, she and Wallace went around to greet some more people and take pictures. 
“Hey, I’m going to go sit can you finish this” she whispered in Wallace’s ear. 
“Sure, no problem,” Wallace said continuing to greet more family and friends.
“Wow, you look like shit,” Mary said approaching Claudia.
“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” Claudia responded.
“Yeah but Mr. dreamy over there is fetching me a drink,” Mary said pointing to a tall handsome man about 6 '1 by the punch bowl.
“OMG! Isn’t that Peter.”
“Yup Wallace’s sexy best man. It’s some much love in the air I figured I snatch something up too.” Mary said while smiling innocently towards Peter.
Both girls chuckled.
“We’ll have fun being a bench warmer. Oh, and by the way be prepared for extreme embarrassment dad’s about to speak” Then Mary left to meet up with Peter.
Claudia stood up and walked toward the group in the middle out of the dance floor. Waiting for her father to make a speech.
“Hello everyone. It’s truly an honor to be here and witness my first-born daughter Claudia Grey’s wedding. She has truly grown into a beautiful, brave, and strong woman. This decision has been well thought through. So, I have taken it upon myself to resign from my rein and pass it on to her. All hail your Queen Claudia Grey.”
Gasped and murmurs filled the room. Claudia glanced at her sister and they both shared an awkward look at each other. This was very unexpected to them both. 
“Claudia can you please come up here.” The King asked
Claudia just stood there, frozen, speechless, no words to describe the shock she was in. 
Wallace glanced at her face and knew she had no inquiry of this and ran to the mic.
“Wow, that something isn’t it. Well um… once again thank you, everyone, for your support. Claudia and I are aware of her taking her father’s place but for right now let’s- “ 
Two gunshots fired right at Wallace’s head in the middle of his speech, he fell to the ground. Claudia tried to run to him, but the guards pushed them out of the room. Claudia yelled to let her go back but it was too late. 
“PLEASE NO LET ME GO BACK! HE'S MY HUSBAND!” Claudia is trying to fight off the guards. But Mr. Zabala was already forcing her into the carriage.
“Get them out of here NOW!” Mr. Zabala said trying to get the remaining members of the royal family in the carriage.
“Take them to the safe house.” Shutting the door.
“Paul, I want you to gather all the guards. No one leaves or enters the castle until the shooter is found.” Mr. Zabala said ordering Paul through the walkie.
“You heard the man no one in or out now move it!”


3,589 Posts
It's hard to tell who the narrator is. I think it's doing some head hopping?
First Mary looked in Claudia's eyes and saw sadness, then Claudia looks (present tense) at herself...
I don't recommend headhopping, but if you do, it needs to be very clear whose head the reader is in.

There's no inner dialog by the narrator, whoever she is, or any description of wedding jitters or annoyance. Everything is explicitly told:
Claudia said annoyed
Said King George with an elated tone
Mary said excitedly

There's very little description anywhere.
The white doors of the church were wide open and you could see the linen carpet laid out across the aisle
Is this a tiny chapel or a large cathedral?
What about the wedding reception? It might be helpful to know where the shooter could shoot from like an upper floor balcony or some kind of logistics so you can orchestrate the hasty retreat.

Several words are wrong:
fanaticized instead of fantasized
Applauded instead of Applause
bride's maid instead of bridesmaid
united as 1 instead of one (all numbers under 100 get spelled out.)
We'll have fun instead of Well (I think).

Or phrases:
Now chop your father ... (yipes, really!!?)
leading in about the whisper in her ear
It's some much love in the air I figured I snatch something up too

Awkward/passive arrangement:
immediate sadness was brought upon her

There are present tense infodump asides that make this read more like a screenplay. I'd incorporate those into the story or nuke them:
It's been 6 months ...
Mr. Zabala is a well-trusted staff ...

Present tense is sprinkled in other places too when it should be past.

There are a lot of proper names thrown at the reader right off the bat and no real sense of emotion or feeling toward these people:
The flower girl Wallace's baby sister Misty ... (head explodes)
Unless the character is a major person of interest, I'd dump the names.

But the real issue I see is there's no emotional buildup:
To the new husband getting killed. This chapter spends all the time from the girls' POVs, but there's no sense of whether Claudia is excited to be marrying this guy, dreaming about their honeymoon, dreading their marriage, or anything. Nada. Zilch. We get a couple of clues that she's busy mourning her mother, so when he dies, I don't care.

To a possible assassination of the king. There's no conflict at all in the entire chapter or any tensions that might make the reader think someone might want to bump off the king.

This chapter could really be spiced up by adding some intrigues, even if they are red herrings, so when the murder comes, it's not a total surprise that something has happened and people can begin to speculate on who did it and why. If this was done by a rival faction, then perhaps foreshadow that through a comment in passing about the current political climate.

Hope this all helps.

2,289 Posts
The conflict happens at the end, shooting. To many names, info dump overload. Bring the names in slowly. Some readers will get bored and not make it to chapter 2.

Think this way.

You book is about a fish tournament and there are two boats yours and one other. The other boat is catching fish and your still baiting your hook.

Which boat would you watch.

You need to catch me and reel me in. Don’t overload me with names I don’t care about.  Make something happen, feed me the names slowly through out the story. Give me a reason to care about the names. This early on I don’t care. Make me care. First chapter is important.

Steve sat at a redlight and a car slammed into him, causing his coffee to spill on his brand new white designer pants. He got out of the car screaming at the lady who ran into him. He saw she had a sick child leaned over the seat with blood dripping from his nose and mouth. His anger disappeared with fear. He did not know if the child need life support or a coroner.

I did not say the kids name or the woman. All that comes later.

The story has tragedy from the get go. One name only. Make the reader think, what’s wrong with the kid. Not fall asleep after reading ten names that don’t mean anything to the reader. I don’t need the vin number on the car. What’s wrong with the kid I need. I need emotions from Steve and the lady who ran into him. Make me want to go to chapter 2. Now I don’t want to.
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