[Khabita]

SJC, Teninx, quickfics, anyone, please feel free to jump in. . .

I'm picturing the Oprah Winfrey Show one year from now:

Oprah: Today, live, from Chicago: These people love their Kindles so much, they need rehab! You think you've seen it all, but wait until you meet our family of four from Cleveland who got so addicted to their Kindles that they lost their jobs, gave away their pets, and now they beg for change on the street so they can buy Amazon gift cards to feed their habit!

-- camera pans to nervous-looking family

Oprah: Okay, so family, tell us your story.

Mother: Well, it all started when he <points angrily at husband> got us all Kindles, after watching your show --

Father <breaking in>: I'd have been okay if that last Daniel Silva hadn't come out for Kindle. I had the other seven, and I just had to have the last one to complete the set.

Mother: That took him over his credit limit.

Oprah: And that started this downward spiral. And now you're begging on the streets to get money to support your reading habit.

Mother: <crying> Yes. It's been hard. But we still love our Kindles so much. We could go to the library, or to the used book store, but it's just not the same. <hugs her Kindle>

-- camera pans to Oprah

Oprah: Okay, well, family, here is what the Oprah show has arranged for you. We are offering all of you, the whole family, 30 days of rehabilitation at the Casa sin sprint world-famous Kindle rehab center in Bogata, Colombia. We'll send you all there at our expense

<Huge applause>
<Standing ovation>

-- camera pans to family

Father: That's great, Oprah, just great. Just what we need.

Mother: Yes, just what we need.

Son: But will our Kindles work in Colombia?

 

[Leslie]

Hahahahah...the last line is classic!

or maybe:

Father: Thanks, Oprah, that's just what we need.

Mother: But..wait...will our Kindles work in Colombia?

Son: And, I'm starting college in the fall. Will I be able to get all my textbooks on Kindle?

L

 

[Jen]

HA HA HA, AWESOME!

 

[Linda Cannon-Mott]

LOL that was great Khabita!

 

[Susan B]

What a hilarious post. Good job Khabita!

 

[Leslie]

Second part of the show&#8230;

Oprah: Okay, for the second part of the show, we're going to the Book Club of the San Diego moms and see how they liked their Kindles. (points to TV monitor. Six SD Moms are there, looking angry and grim faced). Ladies?

SD Mom #1: Well, to be honest, Oprah, these stupid Kindles have basically destroyed our book club.

Oprah: Huh? How can that be? You're supposed to use them for reading.

SD Mom #2, chiming in: Well, we do, but we're not reading the right stuff!

Oprah: What do you mean? I tell you what book to read every month!

SD Mom #2: So? That doesn't stop me from downloading samples. And frankly, Op, some of the samples I have found - and the books I have read - are better than the stupid books you recommend!

Oprah looks shocked!

SD Mom #3: Yes! And then there are the free books! I love the free books, download every single one. But then I feel like I have to read them so your stuff gets pushed aside.

Oprah: Oh, dear&#8230;it wasn't supposed to work that way. Well, why couldn't you just all read the free books together?

SD Mom #3: You can't share books on Kindles, Oprah! So if someone missed the freebie, like Mom #4 always did (turns and glares at SD Mom #4) then we all didn't have the book. And because Mom #4 missed the free book, she didn't want to pay for it!

SD Mom #4: Come on, guys, don't pick on me! But really, I still think that if I bought a book once in paper, Amazon should give it to me for free for my Kindle, or maybe for a really cheap price, like 5 cents. So&#8230;if it was free once, it should be free forever or I shouldn't have to pay or &#8230; something like that&#8230;.(voice trails off).

Oprah: Okay, okay, I get it. What about the others? Moms 5 and 6, what about you?

SD Mom #5: Well, Oprah, see, I got addicted to the Internet. I'd spend all my time on the Amazon forum, then the Kindleboards, and the different Yahoo groups&#8230;it got so I didn't have any time for reading! So I'd come to our book club meetings unprepared!

Oprah: That's not the way it's supposed to work! Mom 6, what's your excuse?

SD Mom #6: Well&#8230;I spent all my money on accessories for my Kindle and didn't have any money left for books.

Oprah: Accessories! Like what? (shakes head). I can't believe this.

SD Mom #6: Let me think&#8230;(counts on fingers), I bought 1 SD card, 2 M-edge covers, 3 extra batteries, 4 Strange-dog covers, 5 portable book lights and the killer&#8230;.when the Oberon covers came out, I bought 6 of those.

Oprah: Oh my God! (she is truly shocked). Did any of you finish Edgar Sawtelle? I gave that to you free on your Kindles. (They all shake their heads). Well then, I guess you need to go to Kindle rehab too&#8230;to learn how to read again and have a book club! Jeesh! So you'll be going with the family from the first half of the show to the exclusive Casa sin sprint center in Bogata, Colombia. We'll send you there at our expense, too.

<huge applause>
<a second standing ovation>

SD Mom #1: Hey Oprah, one question&#8230;

Oprah: Yes?

SD Mom #1: Will our Kindles work in Colombia?

 

[tc]

Very well done. 

SD Mom #2: Do I have to be hooked up to the computer to delete sample books?

 

[Teninx]

Maybe a TV-Judge Show scenario:

Announcer:  This is the plaintiff, Honey Dew Mellon. She's suing her ex-boyfriend for charges she claims that he ran up on her Kindle ebook reader.
This is the defendant, Harry Vederchi. He says that those books were a gift and besides that, he can't read anyway. He's accused of.....literal literary theft....on the People's Court!

Pretty TV Judge: OK Honey Dew, you're suing your ex-boyfriend for credit card bills he incured on your Amazon Kindle and never paid back?

Honey Dew: Thass right, Judge. Harry axed me if he could put these magazines on my Kindle so's he could read them at the parole office while he wuz waiting on his meetings. I gots the bill last month and it was five hunnred dollars!

Pretty TV Judge: So he used your one-click account and ran up a huge bill...did he ever offer to pay you back?

Harry (interrupting): Thass not true, Yer Judgeship! She's da one what brought all dem fancy books an stuff on that 'lectric book thing. Alls I did wuz look atta picters! And, since the Kindle is notorious for rendering graphics in 4-tone greyscale only, it was an entirely unsatisfactory experiance in any case.  Bessides that, Yer Onner, all's I cin do is look atta picters anyway!

Pretty TV Judge: Mr. Vederchi, I noticed that partway through your testimony, your diction changed dramatically? Are you trying to play dumb to this court?

Honey Dew: "Oh, he be stupid awright, Judge. He jest gits that fancy talk from the innernet."

 

[Guest]

You are all too funny! Can't wait for the Jerry Springer version.

 

[Khabita]

Yay! That's the way to get into the spirit of it! I hadn't thought of People's Court, but that's a good one. And I LOVE the SD Moms!

I can see Oprah now, saying to them, "Okay, ladies, I can see I have to send my best friend Gail over there to straighten y'all out."

And Judge Judy: Sir. Sir. Stop. Shut up. Listen to me. Can you even read, sir?
Man: Sure I ken read, judge. But I don't want no Kindle. Can't get Hustler on it. What am I gonna do with the New Yorker?
Judge Judy: Okay. Enough said. I sentence you to a one-year subscription to The Economist. Next case!
< smack of gavel >

 

[Leslie]

I was just reading over on the accessories thread and I think...I think...SD Mom #6 might be Patrizia. Don't tell her I spilled the beans, though. 

L

 

[Teninx]

Today! On Jerry Springer! "He says he loves me but his Kindle is full of porn!"

Gawd, I can't even begin to write that. Just recalling the name 'Jerry Springer' has cost me ten IQ points.

 

[Guest]

Gawd, I can't even begin to write that. Just recalling the name 'Jerry Springer' has cost me ten IQ points.

Then maybe you should read Leslie's Guide. I hear it raises your IQ by 20 points.

 

[vg]

I Wish you could hear my clapping and see my standing ovation - man, I wish my mind was as creative as you guys are...

 

[sjc]

OK;...You failed to Mention....OPRAH PART #3...  the BEHIND THE SCENES; one Year Later...

Oprah- Gained all of her weight back plus an extra 40 pounds; because all she did after that segment: was cook the damn chicken from the other half of that Kindle episode... every night.  She ate the wings; thighs, and ALL of the DELICIOUS crispy blubber SKIN with an extra large helping of mashed potatoes with chicken-fat gravy; all while giving Stedman the lean white breast meat.

STEDMAN left Oprah:  He ran off with the WIFE of the guy in the green sweater (the one in the cooking at home chicken segment, after the Kindle segment; who they gave a "mercy-Kindle" to)...TURNS OUT; that she became depressed because her husband (green sweater guy) became hooked on Kindle and paid no attention to wifey after that segment.  She cried on Stedman's shoulders and then some; and now the two are an item.

Well, it turns out that:  Oprah didn't care that Stedman left with the at home chicken lady; because SHE had been SECRETLY seeing Gayle her "best friend...wink, wink" on the side for years; but didn't have the nerve to Stedman the truth because she was afraid it ever got out; it would hurt her show's ratings.

Oprah and Gayle...now live happily, in a Mansion in Africa, next door to the school that Oprah had built for under-educated African Children.

Stedman:  Now has his own show on FOX; called Stedman the Studman.  His new wife, chicken lady, does a daily cooking segment on the show.
 

 

[Angela]

ROFL You guys are just too much!!