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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm about to take my first giant leap to put my debut comedic novel on Kindle as a very newbie writer. All help with the blurp will be truly appreciated.


Dotty and her two cronies are blithely unaware the slick operator Dotty picks up in the pub is an opium baron who dupes them to a safari on an Africa island for ulterior motives.

Toss the bloomers, get a bikini wax and put on the thongs. Life begins at sixty, Dotty deems when she meets Ramsey Milestone, who gets her hormones doing the tango. Milestone rebuffs her amorous advances, as he must intervene and covertly provide his protection when the military confiscate and destroy the baron’s opium and poppy fields. Duty comes first.

Once on the island, Dotty discovers they’re under Milestone’s protection and assumes he’s kidnapped them for devious intentions, although confused to the reason by his testosterone deficiency. Her wild innuendos create havoc like a ticking time bomb during his military action as she and her cronies attempt the great escape, which leads from one disaster to the next. When they finally learn the truth, Dotty wonders if Milestone will allow her to toss the thong and rev his libido.
 

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it's a good start. i have too many questions to be able to give it a quick edit. my notes are in parens:

Dotty and her two cronies (two girlfriends?) are blithely unaware the slick operator Dotty (??/avoid repeating the name in the sentence) picks up in the pub (if he's a slick operator, wouldn't he pick her up?) is an opium baron who dupes them to (taking) a safari on an Africa(n) island for ulterior motives. (his own ends?)

(So D. and her pals, maybe we should name them here or in the above graf) (t)oss the(ir) bloomers, get bikini wax(es) and put on the thongs. Life begins at sixty, Dotty deems when she meets Ramsey Milestone, (But we said they met in the first graf - or is he not the opium baron) who gets her hormones doing (makes her feel like a kid again when they do) the tango. Milestone rebuffs her amorous advances, as he must intervene (?) and covertly provide his protection (this is very confusing) when the military confiscate and destroy the baron’s opium and poppy fields. Duty comes first. (i'm not sure if ramsey is the baron, so I don't know how to frame my questions/critique of this sentence)

(I'm not sure if the tango took place at the pub or on the island, so I've lost the chronology) Once on the island, Dotty discovers they’re under Milestone’s protection and assumes he’s kidnapped them for devious intentions, (this is a contradiction: they know they're under his protection, yet they're concerned and afraid?) although confused to the reason by his testosterone deficiency. (most people would assume that older ladies, while they may behave wildly, are not ranked as the most sexually desirable partners) Her wild innuendos create havoc like a ticking time bomb (cliche) during his military action as she and her cronies attempt the great escape, which leads from one disaster to the next. When they finally learn the truth, Dotty wonders (decides to determine?) if Milestone will allow her to toss the thong and rev his libido.





 

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My main observation would be to shorten it a little. You’ve got some great comedic lines and descriptions in there, but the blow-by-blow of the plot trips it up a bit. I don’t think you need to explain all of the plot points – just give a general idea of their adventures/dilemmas. But do keep those funny lines and descriptions – they will definitely sell the book to someone looking for some whacky comedy.

Your description is currently at around a 200 word count. As a little test for yourself, why not try forcing yourself to squeeze all of the same information into a 120 or 150 word limit? Just try it as an exercise – see what you can boil down.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Andrew and Steve thanks so much for your input. Steve I am going to take what you have done, and see what comes out. Some interesting points - thanks.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
OK I have managed to reduce this to 152 words. Does it makes sense now. Thanks in advance for any input.

Dotty meets a man in the pub who dupes her to take a safari on an African island for his own ends.  Blithely ignorant he’s a drug baron, she introduces him to her friends  Nora, and Wilma.

Subsequently, they meet Ramsey Milestone: Dotty’s hormones do the tango. Toss the bloomers, get bikini waxes and put on the thongs. Life begins at sixty.  Milestone, aware of the drug baron’s intentions, rebuffs Dotty’s amorous advances as duty comes first. The onus is on him to provide them his clandestine protection during his unit’s raid on the baron’s poppy plantations.

Oblivious to Milestone’s protection on the island, Dotty is pissed off when she finds out this testosterone deficient man has kidnapped them and devises an escape which leads from one disaster to the next, which jeopardizes his operation. When they finally learn the truth, Dotty schemes how to toss her thong and rev Milestone libido.
 

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Much closer: Here's an edit

Dotty meets a man in the pub who dupes her to bringing her friends on a safari to an African island for his own ends. But they don't know he’s a drug baron. Enter Ramsey Milestone, and now Dotty’s hormones are doing the tango. She's ready to toss the bloomers, get a bikini wax and put on the thong: Life begins at sixty. But Milestone's an undercover cop and he's focused only on catching the drug lord – while trying to prevent Dotty and her friends from getting themselves killed. Will Milestone nab the drug baron? Will Dotty toss her thong and manage to rev Milestone's libido?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Steve Silkin said:
Much closer: Here's an edit

Dotty meets a man in the pub who dupes her to bringing her friends on a safari to an African island for his own ends. But they don't know he's a drug baron. Enter Ramsey Milestone, and now Dotty's hormones are doing the tango. She's ready to toss the bloomers, get a bikini wax and put on the thong: Life begins at sixty. But Milestone's an undercover cop and he's focused only on catching the drug lord - while trying to prevent Dotty and her friends from getting themselves killed. Will Milestone nab the drug baron? Will Dotty toss her thong and manage to rev Milestone's libido?
Steve BIG KUDOS to you. This is perfect. Would you mind if I use it as my blurb. I have spent hours on another version but can't beat yours. You are a STAR 8)
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Steve Silkin said:
i would be delighted! wishing you the best with your book! glad i could contribute!!
Thanks so much Steve. I will let you know when I put it on kindle - hopefully Tuesday the latest. Really appreciate your input with this.
 
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