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Discussion Starter #1
What would this log line indicate

Edited.
From a log line suggestion below by ember Kent. I've now included the blurb with the log line

This is only a first draft and needs some work, but added to the blurb so far it would read as below

Any suggestions or crit of the blurb welcome.

I don't want to give too much away in the blurb or it will end up as a synopsis and give the game away. I'm open to suggestions.

The reason for his loyalty in not leaving for the bunker right away is his conflict upto the plot point, because his wife and in-laws would not be up for the journey, but the story resolves that upto the mid point. Besides loyalty to his wife and family, his dad at the bunker has cancer and only has 6 months to live which adds to his conflict.

The problem I have is that as well as the perils of the journey ahead, he will be followed by both escaped convicts who attack the community and Brogan the mini-dictator of the community who he believes he has left for dead at the midway plot point. Both know about his dad's bunker and so want sanctuary there as well as the MC.

A prepper's son and his wife needs to travel to his dad's bunker after an apocalyptic disaster strikes. Trouble is, it's a thousand-mile trek fraught with peril every step of the way.

Rob Bell's loyalty to his wife and her family is stretched to the limit. Trapped in their gated community, with food supplies running low and their security quards' leader Brogan creating his own mini-dictatorship, the practical way out is to travel to his dad's bunker.

Rob needs his wife to step upto the plate if they are to escape the regime at the community, but she has other ideas.

When their community comes under repeated attack by scavengers, with a final assault looming, one, or both of them will have to decide a way forward. Either way could spell betrayal and death.
 

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All the focus on his dad, without any other context caused me to assume Rob was a child. Because of that, I couldn't decide if the second line was about Pepper's wife or Rob's wife. I eventually decided Rob is an adult and it's about his wife, but by that point I'd sort of lost interest and wasn't drawn in to read more.

If you were to rephrase the first sentence so that Rob is the focus instead of Pepper, maybe even change dad, to father, just for good measure, then you could easily avoid this confusion.

When disaster strikes, Rob Bell knows exactly where to go. His father Pepper's secret bunker in ___. Trouble is, it's a thousand-mile trek and his wife only wears high heels.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Blerg et al. said:
All the focus on his dad, without any other context caused me to assume Rob was a child. Because of that, I couldn't decide if the second line was about Pepper's wife or Rob's wife. I eventually decided Rob is an adult and it's about his wife, but by that point I'd sort of lost interest and wasn't drawn in to read more.

If you were to rephrase the first sentence so that Rob is the focus instead of Pepper, maybe even change dad, to father, just for good measure, then you could easily avoid this confusion.

When disaster strikes, Rob Bell knows exactly where to go. His father Pepper's secret bunker in ___. Trouble is, it's a thousand-mile trek and his wife only wears high heels.
Point taken
 

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Discussion Starter #6
nail file said:
Post-apocalyptic comedy.
That's 2 for comedy, so I need to think again.
 

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Decon, it was the comment about the wife only wearing heels that tipped me into comedy.

Maybe consider a different metric to show the wife's reticence to cooperate along than her stubbornly clinging to her high heels. The imagery of a lady tottering along for 1000 miles refusing to give up her heels as a major focus of her reluctance is an odd one. And kind of funny.
 

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My first thought was, "Who is Pepper?" The "bunker" and "storm" made me think post apocalyptic. The high heels thing made me think the wife is an idiot, and would be an extremely irritating character. Also is there a reason I should care about any of these characters and their trek? I know it's just one sentence, but maybe something like:

After a mysterious EMP knocks out all the power in the world and turns everyone into terrifying zombie-rabbits, Rob Bell and his wife, Claire, desperately try to reach, Rob's father, Dr. Pepper Bell, the world's foreknown expert on Zombie-rabbits before it's too late and no humans are left on earth.

Of course tie it into your own story. But having stakes would be good.

Idiot might be too harsh. I guess it's possible for a female character to only own high-heel shoes? And that would certainly make a trek harder. But doesn't her hubby have boots or something she could borrow? Stuff a couple of socks in, if they're too big. It's just a really odd detail, and my first impression of the wife was prissy and super high-management. A Karen type. Definitely not someone I'd want to read about. Unless it's meant to be comedy, like other nicer people assumed.
 

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"Pepper's son, Rob Bell needs to travel to his dad's bunker after a disaster strikes. Trouble is, it's a thousand-mile trek and his wife only wears high heels."

+1 Do we care about Pepper or the character's full name? If Pepper is a long running series character then insert "Pepper's son" instead of "Rob" here:

Rob had a problem. The world is a mess after the disaster and the zombies are coming. How is he getting himself and his wife to their family's bug-out bunker a thousand miles away, carrying the heavy ammo rounds he knows they will need to survive the long trail?


.
 

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Why do we need Pepper's name in the logline? I hardly think that's necessary. You reference (awkwardly) 3 different people in these two lines.
 

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Survival story, humorous tone. Beyond inferences, I'm not picking up much about the characters. The dad has a bunker, which indicates he's a prepper, which indicates that the son's upbringing was tough.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
:D
K'Sennia Visitor said:
My first thought was, "Who is Pepper?" The "bunker" and "storm" made me think post apocalyptic. The high heels thing made me think the wife is an idiot, and would be an extremely irritating character. Also is there a reason I should care about any of these characters and their trek? I know it's just one sentence, but maybe something like:

After a mysterious EMP knocks out all the power in the world and turns everyone into terrifying zombie-rabbits, Rob Bell and his wife, Claire, desperately try to reach, Rob's father, Dr. Pepper Bell, the world's foreknown expert on Zombie-rabbits before it's too late and no humans are left on earth.

Of course tie it into your own story. But having stakes would be good.

Idiot might be too harsh. I guess it's possible for a female character to only own high-heel shoes? And that would certainly make a trek harder. But doesn't her hubby have boots or something she could borrow? Stuff a couple of socks in, if they're too big. It's just a really odd detail, and my first impression of the wife was prissy and super high-management. A Karen type. Definitely not someone I'd want to read about. Unless it's meant to be comedy, like other nicer people assumed.
Sorry, that should read Prepper, but auto correct messed it up.

It's not a blurb, just a log line which is meant to explain the story if someone asked what it's about in one or two sentences.

Yes she is high maintenance, so you got that right and funnily enough there is an argument in the 2nd chapter that discusses if she's an idiot or not.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
MorrowWriter said:
Survival story, humorous tone. Beyond inferences, I'm not picking up much about the characters. The dad has a bunker, which indicates he's a prepper, which indicates that the son's upbringing was tough.
That's spot on regarding the son. His wife however is completely the opposite.

Log lines are much harder than a blurb as they are so short. I get the humor part which is why I posted it, but it's far from humorous, so I've missed the mark to show his dilema/conflict.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
H.C. said:
Why do we need Pepper's name in the logline? I hardly think that's necessary. You reference (awkwardly) 3 different people in these two lines.
Sorry auto correct messed it up. It should by Prepper's son, as in a son of a survivalist who plans to survive disasters.
 

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It makes me think comedy but also reminds me of the lady who walked home in high heels after the 9/11 attacks - not sure that has any relevance to anything but I've seen her shoes in the museum so that came to mind!
 

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Discussion Starter #16
EleanorRigby said:
It makes me think comedy but also reminds me of the lady who walked home in high heels after the 9/11 attacks - not sure that has any relevance to anything but I've seen her shoes in the museum so that came to mind!
I knew nothing about that, but thanks for the info.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
nail file said:
Decon, it was the comment about the wife only wearing heels that tipped me into comedy.

Maybe consider a different metric to show the wife's reticence to cooperate along than her stubbornly clinging to her high heels. The imagery of a lady tottering along for 1000 miles refusing to give up her heels as a major focus of her reluctance is an odd one. And kind of funny.
.

Maybe it would be better as

Prepper's son, Rob Bell needs to travel to his dad's bunker after disaster strikes. Trouble is, it's a thousand-mile walk and his wife is not the outdoor type.

Or maybe I should re think it completely.
 

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Decon said:
.

Maybe it would be better as

Prepper's son, Rob Bell needs to travel to his dad's bunker after disaster strikes. Trouble is, it's a thousand-mile walk and his wife is not the outdoor type.

Or maybe I should re think it completely.
My question is whether or not it's truly necessary to include the wife at all in this. The thousand-mile walk is treacherous enough of an obstacle that I'm not sure you need to go out of your way to point out the wife's disadvantages. Unless that's somehow integral to the story.

"A prepper's son, Rob Bell needs to travel to his dad's bunker after disaster strikes. Trouble is, it's a thousand-mile trek fraught with peril every step of the way."
 

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ahh, Prepper, makes more sense. :D
Is it super important that we know that?

Rob Bell, and his high maintenance soon-to-be-ex-wife, must track 2,000 miles through ice and snow to make it to his father's bunker after an EMP attack turns the world into eternal winter.

I would still suggest a few specifics. A storm is very vague and not super exciting.

Decon said:
:D
Sorry, that should read Prepper, but auto correct messed it up.

It's not a blurb, just a log line which is meant to explain the story if someone asked what it's about in one or two sentences.

Yes she is high maintenance, so you got that right and funnily enough there is an argument in the 2nd chapter that discusses if she's an idiot or not.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
EmberKent said:
My question is whether or not it's truly necessary to include the wife at all in this. The thousand-mile walk is treacherous enough of an obstacle that I'm not sure you need to go out of your way to point out the wife's disadvantages. Unless that's somehow integral to the story.

"A prepper's son, Rob Bell needs to travel to his dad's bunker after disaster strikes. Trouble is, it's a thousand-mile trek fraught with peril every step of the way."
Actually that works and describes the story in a nutshell. Appreciated.

This is only a first draft and needs some work, but added to the blurb so far it would read.

Any suggestions or crit of the blurb welcome.

A prepper's son needs to travel to his dad's bunker after disaster strikes. Trouble is, it's a thousand-mile trek fraught with peril every step of the way.

Rob Bell's loyalty to his wife and her family is stretched to the limit. Trapped in their gated community, with food supplies running low and their security quards' leader Brogan creating his own mini-dictatorship, the practical way out is to travel to his dad's bunker.

Rob needs his wife to step upto the plate if they are to escape the regime at the community, but she has other ideas.

When their community comes under repeated attack by scavengers, with a final assault looming, one, or both of them will have to decide a way forward. Either way could spell betrayal and death.
 
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