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Discussion Starter #1
Hi everyone!
I'm new to the boards and am loving it here. My indie book will be out this fall and one thing that I'm freaking out abou is my blurb. Basically I'm terrified that it sucks. Will you please take a moment and let me know what you think.
Thank you.

"First came the disappearances, then came the bodies. There was nothing we could do so we tried to filter it out. We told ourselves that these things happen everyday, somewhere else, to someone else. But the dead just keep piling up and they aren't quite as easy to ignore when they're piling up at my front door.
It looks like my secret is out and someone is demanding that I come out and play.

Now drawn deep into the shadows of Silverlake City I find myself in a world where I no longer have to hide what I really am and the vampires have become the family that I never thought I would have. But a twisted force threatens to expose our world with their need for death and power, tearing apart the family that I only just found. Now it's up to us to put an end to all of the savage killings before the darkness closing in around me can claim me first."

**UPDATE**

This is the updated blurb. I'm hoping that the subtle change makes the paragraphs tie in more clearly.

"First came the disappearances, then came the bodies. There was nothing we could do so we tried to filter it out. We told ourselves that these things happen everyday, somewhere else, to someone else. But the dead just keep piling up and they aren't quite as easy to ignore when they're piling up at my front door. I have secrets of my own that I can't risk being exposed, but now it looks like my secret is out and someone is demanding that I come out and play.

Now drawn deep into the shadows of Silverlake City I find myself in a world where I no longer have to hide what I really am and the vampires have become the family that I never thought I would have. But a twisted force threatens to expose our world with their need for death and power, tearing apart the family that I only just found. Now it's up to us to put an end to all of the savage killings before the darkness closing in around me can claim me first."
 

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Hey!

First of all, can you give us some details about the plot? Some things were not entirely clear from the blurb.

For now, here are some of my thoughts:

1. The two first sentences are past tense and the rest are present tense. I realize that the two first sentences happened before the rest, but it grated on me.
2. I have to admit I can't see the connection between the first part of the blurb and the second. Is the protagonist making the bodies because he's a vampire?
3. Come out and play... Well I usually don't mind cliches, but this one is a bit worn out.
4. "I no longer have to hide what I really am and the vampires have become the family that I never thought I would have" - he is a vampire... right?
5. "Now it's up to us" - who is "us"? The protagonist and his family of vampires?
6. "before the darkness closing in around me can claim me first." - this darkness is the same darkness referenced before as a twisted force? Why is it closing only on the protagonist?

In essence, I think my main problem here is confusion. I don't have even a vague picture of what this book is about (and I actually like vagueness in blurbs). The length is spot on, could even be a tad longer.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Thanks for the feedback. The tense switch up was annoying the heck out of me too but I'm seriously stuck. I don't want to give too much away but I don't want to cause complete confusion either. *face palm*

I just have no clue how to concisely put together the following things into a blurb

1. Main character has a secret, she's a  succubus.
2. There's a serial killer on the loose.
3. Main character has a stalker killer that seems to have discovered her secret
4. She discovers a hidden world of vampires

Without giving away the whole bloody plot! My wonderfully complex plot does NOT make for easy blurbing!
 

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Stephanie Marks said:
Thanks for the feedback. The tense switch up was annoying the heck out of me too but I'm seriously stuck. I don't want to give too much away but I don't want to cause complete confusion either. *face palm*
I totally sympathize :) Blurb writing is a nightmare. Submitting your blurb for criticism is pretty much like asking people to torture you.
Can you give us some additional info, and maybe someone here can whip up a magic solution for this problem?
 

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Okay... I've created a bad blurb (isn't it pwetty?), but maybe you can glean something from it... The thing that's missing most in this blurb is a connection between the first and the second paragraph, but I didn't have the info. Is the fact that the protagonist found the secret word related to the killings from the first paragraph? Did she find it while escaping from the killer?

First came the disappearances. We told ourselves that these things happen everyday, to someone else. Then came the bodies. Those were harder to ignore, especially since they were piling up at my front door. It seemed like someone was trying to send me a message.

Drawn deep into the shadows of Silverlake City I discovered a different world. A world were vampires roamed freely, and even I didn't need to hide who I was. But a twisted force threatened to expose our world with their need for death and power, tearing apart the family that I only just found. It was up to us to put an end to all of the savage killings.

But time was ticking as an unknown predator was closing in on me. And he seemed to know my secret.


As you can see, I slowly went of the rails there... But I'm hungry, so that's a kind of excuse.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Ok so I'm a bit confused now. As your comments made it sound like an entire re-write was needed. But your blurb attempt says that you think it just needs the smallest of tweaks.

Yes there is a connection between the killer in the first and the killings in the second paragraph but I don't know how to explain it without giving it away as its a major plot twist.
 

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Stephanie Marks said:
Ok so I'm a bit confused now. As your comments made it sound like an entire re-write was needed. But your blurb attempt says that you think it just needs the smallest of tweaks.

Yes there is a connection between the killer in the first and the killings in the second paragraph but I don't know how to explain it without giving it away as its a major plot twist.
Oh, I'm not sure at all if you need to rewrite the whole thing. Sometimes small tweaks can make all the difference.
 

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I like the first paragraph except for a few small things. "Everyday" is an adjective. It should be "every day" here. Also, it's not clear if the narrator is a man, woman, boy, girl, or something else. A lot of people will tell you to avoid first-person in blurbs, and this could be one reason. Can you make it third-person without losing anything?

Some comments on the second paragraph (as a reader ... I suck at blurbs as a writer so I'll take that hat off now).

Now drawn deep into the shadows of Silverlake City I find myself in a world where I no longer have to hide what I really am and the vampires have become the family that I never thought I would have.
Can she come out of hiding BECAUSE she's found a vampire family? Or are those unrelated facts?

But a twisted force threatens to expose our world with their need for death and power, tearing apart the family that I only just found.
A force is one thing, but then you say "their." Can you be less vague without being spoilery? "Now her new family is being torn apart by people who only crave death and power."

Now it's up to us to put an end to all of the savage killings before the darkness closing in around me can claim me first.
Who is "us"? Are these the savage killings from the first paragraph, or the twisted force from the second? And can you tie the "darkness" here to the "shadows" in the first sentence? "I need to save my family before the shadows of Silverlake City engulf us all."

I hope that helps! I know how hard this is.
 

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As a reader I'd probably want more immediate info about the characters. e.g. is the main character an adult or teenager, male or female, etc.?
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Thanks guys. First of all thank you for the "everyday" spell check!

CN_Crawford: I tried time and again to make that more clear but the only way that I've been able to do it is with a complete rewrite in the 3rd person. For the sake of an Amazon listing though it is very obvious from the cover that it is a grown female. The problem I found with third person was that it loses all intrigue.

Eg. "First came the disappearances. Then came the bodies. Something in the night is hunting the residents of Silverlake City.

Vanessa has bigger problems to deal with than serial killers on the news. As an untrained succubus she's more worried about keeping what she is a secret and not creating any dead bodies of her own. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be stopping them from showing up on her doorstep.

Now, drawn deep into the shadows of Silverlake City Vanessa finds herself in a world where she no longer has to hide what she really is. But a twisted force threatens to expose her new world with their need for death and power, tearing apart the family that she only just found. Now it’s up to them to put an end to all of the savage killings before the darkness closing in can get them first."

Phronk: she can't come out of hiding completely but I was trying to say that with the vampires she no longer has to hide who she is.
Maybe I can say something like, "now it's up to the vampires and I"?

And yes all the dark shadowy things tie together but it's like 3 different plot twists that I can't give away! :'(
 
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