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Discussion Starter #1
I've been struggling with the blurb of my upcoming novel. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I used Libby Hawker's book Gotta Read It! to construct the basics but am having a hard time jazzing it up and making it interesting. Virtual cookies for any help!

Olivia Smith, gifted with the ability to sense and manipulate emotions, works for the government hunting down unregistered Superhumans. After her parents, retired Supervillains in hiding, are murdered, Olivia wants the man responsible brought to justice. Between the indifference of the authorities and the mask that hides the killer's identity, she has a hard time tracking him down.  Without her usual resources, she must rely on unconventional allies and work outside the system.

As she gets closer to unmasking the killer, he changes targets, focusing on her. With everything she cares about on the line, she struggles to survive.


Thank you in advance!
 

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You just confused me.  If they were in hiding how were they murdered?  The two really don't go together.
Your grammar also needs a bit of work it seems.
 

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FM Beasley said:
I've been struggling with the blurb of my upcoming novel. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I used Libby Hawker's book Gotta Read It! to construct the basics but am having a hard time jazzing it up and making it interesting. Virtual cookies for any help!

Olivia Smith, gifted with the ability to sense and manipulate emotions, works for the government hunting down unregistered Superhumans. After her parents, retired Supervillains in hiding, are murdered, Olivia wants the man responsible brought to justice. Between the indifference of the authorities and the mask that hides the killer's identity, she has a hard time tracking him down. Without her usual resources, she must rely on unconventional allies and work outside the system.

As she gets closer to unmasking the killer, he changes targets, focusing on her. With everything she cares about on the line, she struggles to survive.

Thank you in advance!
I would change the focus of the blurb. It's too dry and informational. It reads as if the author is telling us a basic plot rundown, ending at the high stakes moment. I would focus instead on the main character, make the writing more emotional, let us feel her breathe -- show, don't tell.
 

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I would try to write a mini-story, describe a moment where you include her ability to read emotions, that her parents were murdered, that the killer is tracking her, etc. This is comic-book stuff that I'm sure doesn't fit your story, but I would try to go in this direction.


Heart pounding, Olivia Smith gripped her Uzi. His silhouette glided from behind the sleek black Lexus across the cold garage floor. The tentacles under his business suit gave him away. An unregistered Superhuman. She could sense his emotions, a nasty stew of hatred and hunger. He moved closer. It all came down to this moment. She had the perfect opportunity to blow a hole through the monster that murdered her parents, turned her world upside down, and tracked her to this place… until he stared right at her and laughed. Checkmate.


Olivia Smith, gifted with the ability to sense and manipulate emotions, works for the government hunting down unregistered Superhumans. She wants the man responsible for killing her parents brought to justice. Between the indifference of the authorities and the mask that hides the killer's identity, she fights to track him down, falling into a dark labyrinth of unconventional allies outside the system.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thanks for everyone's input. Cookies for you all!

Cinisajoy: If it's confusing, it's clearly not working.

Augusta Blythe: She has someone in particular in her life that she is trying to protect, but I wasn't sure how to include him. I'll look for ways.

HAGrant: Thanks for the idea. I'll see if I can get it to work. I'll work on making it more show instead of telling.
 

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here's a wild swing at it, just for fun. hope it helps  :D

~

Olivia Smith's parents were murdered. They had it coming, being retired supervillains and all, but Olivia is pissed. And she wants revenge. The good news is Olivia is a gift empath who can sense and manipulate the emotions of others. She hunts down unregistered superhumans for a living. Finding the killer should be easy.

The bad news, her employer, the government, doesn't want the killer found. The killer is a gifted chameleon who can be anyone he wants to be, and he knows how to get to Olivia. As the elusive hit man trains his deadly intentions on Olivia's ((boyfriend, kid brother, whoever), she goes off the grid, turning to former nemeses and unconventional allies in a race to save  herself and (whoever)

~

The goodnews/badnews thing is probably totally cliche and wrong, but other than that piece of the structure, there might be something useful in there.

 

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Discussion Starter #8
Axel Blackwell said:
here's a wild swing at it, just for fun. hope it helps :D

~

Olivia Smith's parents were murdered. They had it coming, being retired supervillains and all, but Olivia is p*ssed. And she wants revenge. The good news is Olivia is a gift empath who can sense and manipulate the emotions of others. She hunts down unregistered superhumans for a living. Finding the killer should be easy.

The bad news, her employer, the government, doesn't want the killer found. The killer is a gifted chameleon who can be anyone he wants to be, and he knows how to get to Olivia. As the elusive hit man trains his deadly intentions on Olivia's ((boyfriend, kid brother, whoever), she goes off the grid, turning to former nemeses and unconventional allies in a race to save herself and (whoever)

~

The goodnews/badnews thing is probably totally cliche and wrong, but other than that piece of the structure, there might be something useful in there.
Ooh, this gives me ideas. Thanks for taking the time!
 

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oo, that was supposed to be "giftED empath" not "gift empath," but you probably figured that out :) Ga, then I repeated gifted again in the second paragraph. Don't do that. maybe "skilled" chameleon. Guess I should get a beta reader for my posts :p
anyway, glad to help, such as it was
 
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