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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Please may I have some more blurb help.

This is what I'm using now and my husband thinks that it is better than my new version:
Two prostitutes vanish.
Chimps are mysteriously disappearing from a primate sign language. Is there a possible link to a biomedical research facility?
While premed student, Alex Buchanan, confronts her newfound ability to communicate telepathically with animals, the body toll mounts.
When her boyfriend disappears with a dangerous secret, Alex knows a serial killer is stalking her.
Can she solve the dilemma before becoming the next victim?

My latest version. My husband thinks this is worse.

When a serious accident gives Alex Buchanan the ability to telepathically, communicate with animals, she experiences the dark, enraged emotions of a chimpanzee as he attacks her friend.
She is devastated when her boyfriend is snatched a way with a dangerous secret. Alone, she is certain that a serial killer is stalking her.
The mounting body toll suggest that all of the dead have something in common.
Terrified, Alex works tirelessly to find out why so many of her close human and animal friends are dying.
Which version do you prefer. Can you suggest improvements?



Will she find the strength and courage to track down the killer before becoming the next victim?
 

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I like the new one better. A few nit picks:

...telepathically communicate with animals... take out the comma here.

Snatched a way should be snatched away.

The mounting body toll suggests (instead of suggest.)

That's all I got. Hope that helps!

Vicki
 

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Your husband is wrong. :)

I think the second version works better because I immediately have a protagonist to care about in the first sentence. Plus, it makes me think of 28 Days Later, which is never a bad thing. My line edits below:
P.A. Woodburn said:
When a serious accident gives Alex Buchanan the ability to telepathically, Lose this comma communicate with animals, she experiences the dark, enraged emotions of a chimpanzee as he attacks her friend.
Okay, correct me if I'm wrong, but this is weird for chimpanzees, yes? So, at some point, I think I'd like a hint of why these animals are behaving so erratically. Also, maybe you could get something in here about why Alex is around chimps in the first place? Like "a serious accident gives lab tech Alex Buchanan..."
She is devastated when her boyfriend is snatched a way with a dangerous secret. Mmmm...okay, at this point you've lost me. First of all, it's "away," not a way. Next, I think this dangerous secret business is a bit too vague for me. Is the dangerous secret why her bf is snatched? What snatches him? Another chimp? Show me how this is related to the first sentence. Like, "Since Alex's boyfriend knows why the chimps have been acting erratically, Alex is instantly suspicious of foul play when he disappears." Alone, she is certain that a serial killer is stalking her. What?? Why?? There's a serial killer AND a killer chimp? Geez.

The mounting body toll suggest that all of the dead have something in common. Why?
Terrified, Alex works tirelessly to find out why so many of her close human and animal friends are dying. This works, but it might help if you reiterated that she's uniquely qualified because of her telepathic powers. Like "Terrified, Alex is determined to use her new found abilities to find the killer and stop him before more of her close human and animal friends end up dead."
Remember the blurb rules: 1-Who is the protagonist and what does she want? 2-What obstacle(s) are in the way of her getting it? 3-What will happen if she doesn't get it?
 

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Victorine said:
I like the new one better. A few nit picks:

...telepathically communicate with animals... take out the comma here.

Snatched a way should be snatched away.

The mounting body toll suggests (instead of suggest.)

That's all I got. Hope that helps!

Vicki
I agree with Vicki on all accounts and yes hubby is wrong! ;)
 

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Oh and I forgot to say, don't expect any changes to be updated quickly. My description has taken 6 days so far, I wrote to complain yesterday and they told me it will take place within 24 hours! Hmm... ;)
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Valerie C, in answer to your question -- a chimp attacking a person is not all that erratic. People who work with adult chimps have to be very careful. It is not unheard of for a chimp to destroy body parts or even kill someone. There was an article in the paper yesterday about a lady who had a new face and hands attached as a result of a chimp attack. However, I don't want to mislead you the story is not about crazy chimps. It is an animal rights, mystery/thriller, and I have done a lot of research on chimps and tried to depict them truthfully. Some of the changes you requested cannot be accomplished with out giving away too much information.

I have made one change--Sean Murphy is snatched away with a dangerous secret. Could that be why he disappeared? Alone, she is certain that a serial killer is stalking her. I will of course fix all typos.

Thanks to all for your help. I hate writing these blurbs, and I think they are very important.

Ann.
 

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I understand the issue of not wanting to give too much away with your blurb, but there's a fine line between a cliche description that says next to nothing and a enticing blurb. You want to be as specific as you can to let readers know what is different and exciting about your book, but you also don't want them to feel as if they don't have to read the book after reading your blurb.

I was advised to rewrite one of my blurbs because someone on the KB told me it sounded too much like everything else out there. It was hovering in the 20,000s in rank at that point. I rewrote it, and two months later it's ranked in the 3,000s and it's on several top 100 category lists. Oh, and it's making lots more money. So specificity is near and dear to my heart. :)

(Also, weird that chimps are so nasty.)

Anyway, I think you might want to add this to the end of the blurb because it was very clarifying for me when you typed it: [Name of book] is a mystery/thriller about animal rights.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Wow, I never heard those rules of blurb writing before. Where did you get that? Little wonder I'm having a problem. Will add explaination at end. Will look again at other suggestions.
I would kill for sales like you have, Valerie.
Ann
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Okay another effort, and I have to take my Saint Bernard to hydrotherapy so may not answer for a while.

When a serious accident gives premed student Alex Buchanan the ability to telepathically communicate with animals, she experiences the dark, enraged emotions of a chimpanzee as he attacks her friend, on her first day at her new job, as a lab technician.
Alex is very secretive about her new gift since she knows revelation will squash any plans for accomplishing her lifelong dream of entering medical school.
Sean Murphy, her new boyfriend is snatched away. Could this be because he was wanted by the FBI for daring involvement in animal activism? Now alone, she is certain that a serial killer is stalking her. She fails to understand why the killer has played the game of almost catching her several times, but at the last minute letting her go.
The mounting body toll suggests that all of the dead have something in common -could it be their tenuous connection to the chimp lab?
Terrified, Alex reluctantly tries to use her newfound ability to try and reveal the killer before he destroys anymore of her human or animal friends.

Will she have the strength and courage to track down and confront the killer before she becomes the next victim?

"Cries in the Dark" is an animal rights, mystery/thriller.
Thanks so much for all of your help.
Ann.

Than
 

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Ann,

Having read and loved "Cries in the Dark," I am reading your various blurbs and trying to figure out not only which one best reflects what actually happens in your book, but also which one would (or did) entice me to read it in the first place.  Obviously something about your original blurb attracted me and I'm trying to determine what that was.  I do remember finding the animal communication/sign language story line fascinating, also the scientific/medical research angle.  I'm usually put off by serial killer story lines, so that would not have been a draw for me.  Personally, I don't find the second blurb that much better than the first, but I'd go along with the suggested changes others have made to spruce it up if you decide to use the second one.  One small item:  your use of the phrase "animal rights" may cause confusion, because when I read this phrase in your book's description, I thought the book would have something to do with a PETA-style organization fighting for "animal rights," but your use of the term is much different than what I had imagined. 

Patricia
 

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When a whack on the head lets Alex Buchanan mentally link with animals, the dark rage of a chimpanzee attacking her friend stuns her even more.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Returned from dog swimming. Please be patient. I have tweaked it again.

When a serious head injury induces premed student Alex Buchanan to telepathically communicate with animals, she is stunned to experience the dark, enraged emotions of a chimpanzee as he attacks her friend. This--on her first day at work as a lab technician in an American Sign Language, primate research center.
Alex is very secretive about her unwelcome gift since she is sure revelation will squash all plans for accomplishing her lifelong dream of entering medical school. Raised to support scientific/medical research her opinions about vivisection (experimenting on live animals) are shattered.

Sean Murphy, her lawyer boyfriend is snatched away. Could the FBI finally have determined he was on their most wanted list for past involvement in animal activism?
Now alone, Alex is certain that she is being stalked by a serial killer. She has to maintain constant vigilance. The mounting body toll puts her in a panic. Do all of the dead have something in common? Could it be their tenuous connection to the chimp lab?

Terrified, Alex reluctantly abandons her support for scientific/medical research using her newfound paranormal ability to uncover the killer before he destroys anymore of her human or animal friends.
Will she have the strength and courage to defeat the killer? Failure will lead to certain death.
"Cries in the Dark" is a mystery/thriller revealing the hidden talents of animals.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I didn't have room to thank you all for your continued help. The system acted as if it were going to abort. I really am most grateful for all of your help.
Ann
 
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