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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay, my book is edited and the cover is almost ready. It's time to start getting my book description written. I've never done one before, so this is a learning process for me. Tell me what you think.

Please be specific and as details as you can about what works and what doesn't, both grammar/word choice, content, and length. Does this say erotic romance in a fantasy world? Would it make you want to buy the book?

Thanks for your help!

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Zia Galen was a spy. If that wasn't dangerous enough, she was a Tantris, a woman who could cast magical spells powered by sex. In the male-dominated Theocracy, where the ruling priests reserved that power for themselves alone, discovery would mean slavery and an eventual sword in the gut.

She'd lived the life of a courtesan for the last five years, selling her body for any advantage she could while trying to recover a powerful relic sacred to her order. She had to be careful and discreet, because she would get only one chance at getting it back. The slightest misstep would ruin everything.

With the sands of the hourglass running out, events threatened to ruin everything and only the intervention of a handsome rogue offered a chance at success. It terrified her that he knew who and what she was, and what she was here to do, but she had no choice but to trust him.

She knew he would almost certainly betray her, but growing desire she felt for him warred with her common sense. She prayed the Goddess would grant her strength when she had to choose between her heart and her soul. Surely the gods would make their will plain. Wouldn't they?
 

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Yes it says erotic fantasy stuff. But no, it wouldn't make me want to buy the book. I think it needs to be sharper, punchier - and present tense, IMO. And check the spelling!

Will pick apart more later if you want, but got to go out now...

deb
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
DebBennett said:
Yes it says erotic fantasy stuff. But no, it wouldn't make me want to buy the book. I think it needs to be sharper, punchier - and present tense, IMO. And check the spelling!

Will pick apart more later if you want, but got to go out now...

deb
Thanks. I wish my iPhone were better at spellchecking. I think I fixed the one error in the current revision.

I very much would like to have you pick it apart when you have time. Thanks.
 

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The force is not with me lately on blurbing, but I will give what feedback I can.

There are verb tense issues and wordiness that need to be fixed.

Here's what I did...

Zia Galen has been deep undercover as a courtesan for the last five years, selling  her body in order to recover a powerful relic sacred to her order (maybe name the order?). Being a spy isn't her biggest secret either, Zia is a Tantris, a woman who can cast magical spells powered by sex. In the male-dominated Theocracy of (name of world/place), the ruling priests reserve that power for their use alone, on pain of death.

From here, you need to explain the jeopardy that causes her to fall in with the love interest. I don't quite follow what that is from the blurb that was posted.

Hope this helps.

M



 

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It's too long and rambling, I'd be gone after the first paragraph if I wasn't reading
the whole thing to tell you how I reacted to it.
 

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The blurb gives a bio of the character for two paras. Then it mentions events. What events? What relic? What order? And what was she here to do? Maybe sticking the action and confict up front would liven things up?
 

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You've got to nix the past tense. Try writing it again in present tense and you might find it's become tighter and punchier. I think you're focusing on the right things, but it needs to be more compelling.
 

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Hi Terry,

I took a stab at it for ya..... do with it what you will:

Zia Galen is the perfect spy and seductress. She uses her beauty and sexual artistry to bewitch powerful men to do her bidding. Zia is also a Tantris, whose potent magic is fueled by the erotic power of sex. Sent on religious quest to recover a powerful relic, failure isn't an option.

For five arduous years she's remained hidden in the male-dominated Theocracy of ((name of world/place)). Where the ruling priests reserve magic for their use alone, on pain of death.

Now forced to align herself with the roguish but charming ((Male Leads Name)), all of her plans are unraveling. Can this dashing, handsome thief be trusted? Or will Zia's carnal desire for him be her undoing?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
After absorbing all the advice, here is my second shot at writing a good blub. Thanks in advance for your help.

Zia Galen is a woman who can turn sex into magic, spying in a land where men with powers like her own will kill her if they catch her. Just as she is about to recover a powerful artifact belonging to her Goddess, a handsome rogue who knows all her secrets disrupts her carefully laid plans. With time running out, she has to accept his help breaking into the headquarters of the powerful Theocracy to steal the Mother's circlet from under their very noses; but the growing desire she feels for him threatens to force her to choose between her heart and her soul.
 

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I can't help right now, but ... bump.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Still working on thinning this down and making it more punchy. Now?

To recover a powerful artifact belonging to her Goddess, Zia must learn to trust Alton, a handsome rogue who knows her deepest secrets.

With time running out, she accepts his offer of help to break into the headquarters of the powerful Theocracy. Unfortunately, that means he must be part of the divine rituals, where the pleasures of sexual activity fuel her magic.

Can she use Alton's body without him stealing her heart?
 
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