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As a reader, I prefer the longer one without the quotes. The quotes feel disjointed and don't pull me into the story. But if suggest, if the captain is the one who connects everything together, then she should be mentioned first.
 

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I think, perhaps, you could pull off the dialogue structure. It has a freshness and life to it that separates it from your average blurb.

But (in my opinion) it could only be done by using the same speaker each time and the same narrator POV. More than that is to risk having time-poor browsers clicking to the next book. Until someone is invested in something, complexity sends them running.

Personally, I prefer take 4. But I would break it down so it's not one block paragraph and make it more "hooky."

Hope that helps.
 

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Discussion Starter · #29 ·
Thanks Shayne!

Jack, I like the dialogue part too, and so does my wifey. We're still considering both options.

The thing about putting Branwen first, yes, we probably should. We didn't because we think 286 is so freaking cool and well, we figured she might grab people easier. But Branwen should really be first.
(Branwen is super cool too, but perhaps a bit more subtle than Prisoner 286!!)

Still interested in any further thoughts on these! Thanks all!
 

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I like Take 3 the best, except I'd swap para. 2 and 3, so Branwen's sections are together -- better flow, so I don't have to wonder if I'm reading about a 4th character, then stop and go back to the other paras to check, then come back.

I think Take 4 could work well for those inevitable places where they won't take your full-length blurb, so I recommend keeping and sharpening up that version as well.

I still don't care for the dialogue sections, and my eye tends to skip over them. If I'm intrigued enough by the blurb, I'll click the Look Inside link or the equivalent to find out if I like the writing style, so I don't think they're helping.

Of course, this is just my opinion.
 
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