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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Wow, I feel really lame putting this on KB...but...my marriage is really rocky right now and I need an outlet.  Our family & friends don't have any idea - it's not something I can talk with my parents about.  My BFF is out of pocket until later today...so I just need an outlet...

Without going into all the details, I'll just say we have something we've argued about for years - even before we ever got married (nearly 12 years ago), and I think it's finally come to a head.  We briefly tried counseling 4 years ago but it wasn't for us - instead we bought a cabin.  LOL  The problem topic is something that we don't talk about very much but it's always there, simmering beneath the surface.  Lately we've been arguing about the DUMBEST things - pretty much everything that comes out of our mouths turns into an argument (not a screaming match, by any means, but an argument nonetheless).

Every now & then, DH gets bothered by it and can't sleep - then I can't sleep either (I've "trained" myself to not sleep unless he can sleep)...last night, he *really* couldn't sleep, wouldn't kiss me good night and no kiss goodbye this morning either.

We made an "appointment" to talk tonight at 7pm and I'm freaking out.  I don't know what I'll say, I don't know how to figure out what I'll say, and I'm not even sure what I want as an outcome...I've invested 15 years in this relationship, I know marriages are a lot of work, but I might finally be tired enough to throw in the towel and go through the pain and humiliation of separation.  I just don't know.

Anyhow, thanks for listening (reading?).   :-\
 

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I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I know it helps to vent and get the words out. We have a few others around here going through some of same issues. It is important to keep a level head and take one step at a time. Good luck, and don't fear posting your worries.
 

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I don't really have any advice either, but just remember that we KB people will always be around to support you,  no matter what happens! I never mind a good vent. *hugs* :)

(and you shouldn't feel lame about posting here - KB is my go-to place for asking questions about ANYTHING)
 

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Everyone needs a shoulder to lean on sometimes, why not here at KB? I kind of wish I knew what the issue was to give better advice, but since I don't I'll say this:

Sometimes separations are better than sticking it out just to stick it out. It doesn't mean you're getting divorced. It doesn't mean you're going to split. It means you're taking time to cool off and recoup.

About four years ago, my husband and I had a separation. We had been together for seven years and couldn't look at each other without fighting (and I mean, knock-down/dragged-out screaming matches). We had two children, ages 6 and 3, and it was becoming a very hostile environment for them. The only thing that worked was re-evaluating why we got married in the first place. The only way we could do this was to separate. I stayed in our home with our children; he lived with a friend. He wasn't working at the time (which might have attributed to a lot of our frustrations), so while I was at work and the children at school/day care, he'd go back to our house and shower, watch tv or play video games. By the time I returned home, he'd be gone. It took us three full months to realize we could make things work. That expression 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' is absolutely true.

We reconnected and worked things out. We now have a 3rd child (born 9 months after our reunion), bought a 3 family house, we're both working, and occasionally go through bouts where we argue. It's a part of marriage. I have learned to let him blow off steam by playing video games or having a few drinks on the weekends. He lets me blow off steam by writing and going on play dates. You've just got to find that middle-ground, and sometimes the only way to do this is to take a step back, re-evaluate and recuperate.

I really, truly hope everything works out! Try not to take the defensive and don't point any fingers. Your meeting together is a time to open all channels and try to get on the same page. (Sorry for being so cliche, but sometimes it's just appropriate.)

Good luck! <3 {{hugz}}
 

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Been there, too.  If you don't know what you're going to say, let him start the conversation.  If I were in your shoes today, I'd be thinking most of the day about whether I will be willing to put in the effort to work things out & stay together (assuming that he is).  Perhaps a different kind of counselor would work for you - either individually or as a couple.  Also, I'd try to be as objective as possible as to whether the particular disagreement is truly something so fundamental that there is no compromise option (or something you can agree to disagree about & set aside) & is worth breaking up over. 
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you, everyone, for your words of encouragement and support - you have no idea how much they mean to me.  :)

Valleycat - it's not something we can set aside, unfortunately...I have been considering a counselor for me individually to help me get my head on straight and figure things out.  You're right, I need to figure out what I want - I don't even know how to do that.  LOL

Separation terrifies me - logistically, emotionally...I'm glad we don't have kids (just a cat & dog) yet...but I'd still need to make sure we're staying together for the right reasons and not the wrong ones.  I feel like I need time to think but can't find it (time, that is)...

Thank you again, everyone...
 

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I'm sorry to hear this too.  My only advice is that the truth is always the best thing, so be open when you do sit down to talk tonight.  Tell him how you feel!  Maybe through the talk you'll find out what you really want.  If it ends up that it doesn't work out, at least you know you put everything out there.  Thanks for sharing with us, good luck tonight!
 

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There was a movie with Jeff Bridges and Farrah Fawcett called See You In the Morning.  It wasnt a very good movie, but it had a great line in it.  Jeff and Farrah were married and divorced.  They both remarried other people.  Later they meet up again and she asks him what would have happened if they stayed together.  He says something to the affect that if they would have stayed together eventually they would have worked thru their problems and been happy.  But since they separated, they both worked thru their problems and were happy.  The outcome of their decision to stay married or not both ended with eventual happiness.

Just know that no matter what comes of these difficult times, eventual happiness awaits both of you.
 

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Also, sometimes it takes more than one try (and a different counselor) for couples counseling to work. Definitely see one on your own, at least.
 

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Sorry to hear it.  Marriage can be haaaaaaard.  It's probably going to be a long day for you waiting for that talk.  Ask yourself where you'd like to be in five years or ten years.  Does it include him?  And what would it take to get there?  Maybe ask him the same thing.  Whatever happens, good luck.  You'll get through it.
 

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*Hugs!* My heart goes out to you and your struggle. My husband and I have been together nearly 20 years and the ups and downs have been epic. We separated twice before finding balance in our relationship and I'm sure at one time or another, we've wondered whether we made the right choice. We've found counseling (together and separate) to be a huge help in finding the root cause of our misunderstandings and hurts. But it took several shots at counseling before we found the ones that resonated with us. We've both been hurtful to one another and yet, we loved each other to take an honest and raw look at what was working and what wasn't. It hurts when things aren't smooth and love simply isn't enough. Marriage is the hardest journey two people can take together but the rewards are great if you can live and grow together. I wish you the best of luck in your journey!

Kimberly V.
 

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The piece of advice that has gotten me through my marriage was given to my husband by his grandfather. I never got to meet Tom; he died before I met my husband, and I wish I had met him. His advice was this:

You will fall in and out of love with your partner a hundred times, and so will she with you. There will be times when you will think, my God, I cannot stand another minute with this woman. She is driving me up the wall, everything she does and everything she says is like a cheesgrater on my nerves.

Wait it out.

One morning, you will wake up, turn over, and there will be the wonderful woman you married. You will see her with the eyes of love again.

And remember that she is going through the same thing. There will be times when everything you do and everything you say will be like a cheesegrater on her nerves. Wait it out. Eventually, she'll wake up and there will be the man she married.

When you're lucky, you both wake up like that on the same day.

(Hubby and I have been very lucky indeed.)
 

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MeiLinMiranda said:
The piece of advice that has gotten me through my marriage was given to my husband by his grandfather. I never got to meet Tom; he died before I met my husband, and I wish I had met him. His advice was this:

You will fall in and out of love with your partner a hundred times, and so will she with you. There will be times when you will think, my God, I cannot stand another minute with this woman. She is driving me up the wall, everything she does and everything she says is like a cheesgrater on my nerves.

Wait it out.

One morning, you will wake up, turn over, and there will be the wonderful woman you married. You will see her with the eyes of love again.

And remember that she is going through the same thing. There will be times when everything you do and everything you say will be like a cheesegrater on her nerves. Wait it out. Eventually, she'll wake up and there will be the man she married.

When you're lucky, you both wake up like that on the same day.

(Hubby and I have been very lucky indeed.)
That's beautiful advice. Thanks for sharing!

Kimberly V.
 

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Thank you for sharing that MeiLinMiranda!  I just got married 2 years ago, so that will probably be helpful advice for a long time to come. 
 

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Just wanted to add another voice to the "So sorry you're going through this, we'll be thinking about you" chorus!
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Thank you, thank you all for your words of support...Spotsmom, I will do just that (think of everyone standing invisibly behind me) - envisioning that actually helps a lot.
 
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