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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
MIASS

Subject: Manufacturing Information Access Software System (MIASS)

This memo is to announce the development of a new plant- wide software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all plant manufacturing data. The program is referred to as the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System" (MIASS).

Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS.

As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands.

Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.

We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MIASS."

This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS".

Carl

 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Subject: Christmas Party Memo
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2005

I'm happy to inform you that the company
Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd,
starting at noon in the private function room at
the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and
plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...please feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD
shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas
tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.. Exchange of gifts
among employees can be done at that time,
however, no gift should be over $10 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!

The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2005

RE:: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to
exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that
Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately
not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not
Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types
of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.

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FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking
table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on
a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be
anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to
handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift
exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the
Union Officials feel that $10 is too much
money and Management believe $10 is a little
cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2005
RE: Holiday Parrty

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that
December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of
Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at
this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can
hold off on serving your meal until the end of
the party - or else package everything up for you
to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will
that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members
of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to
sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit
with gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the
gay men's table too. To the person asking
permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
allowed. We will have booster seats for short
people. Low fat food will be available for those
on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in
the food we suggest those people with high blood
pressure taste the food first.. There will be
fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All ******* Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The ********* Holiday Party.

Vegetarian scum, I've had it with you people!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House
whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get
your f*****g salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too,
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!! I
hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive
and die.

The Bitch from h***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2005
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing
Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll
continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, the Management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.


Carl
 
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