BAHAHAHA!!!!
Next issue please!!
Next issue please!!
X-Men Rejects (a parody)
Episode 1: Stinky Pits
OPEN ON the office of CHARLES XAVIER. A teen boy sits in front of him.
XAVIER
Welcome to Xavier's Institute for Gifted Youngsters, young man. How may I help you today.
TEEN BOY
Thank you, Professor. My name's Timmy. I-- I'm afraid I'm a mutant.
XAVIER
Timmy, being a mutant ... **** superior ... is nothing to be afraid of. That is why we exist.
TIMMY
Good. Cool. Sir, I'd... I'd like to be an X-Man.
XAVIER
Well, that's a special program for our most advanced students, Timmy. Perhaps we could start you out on our New Mutant team. What is your mutant ability, my boy?
TIMMY
Umm... this is kind of embarrassing.
XAVIER
Think nothing of it. Believe me, I've seem many strange mutations in my day.
TIMMY
They call me... Stinky Pits.
XAVIER
Stinky Pits? As in...?
TIMMY
My underarms. They stink, sir. Like... bad.
XAVIER
I see. That would make you primarily a defense team member.
TIMMY
Oh, believe me, Professor. It's pretty offensive. Just ask Jenny Augmon.
XAVIER
And who is she?
TIMMY
The girl who named me. When I asked her out. She said, right there in the cafeteria where everyone could hear, 'I would never go to a prom with you, Stinky Pits!'
XAVIER
Well, mutants face all sorts of persecution for their abilities. Tell me, is your ability strong enough to jolt Juggernaut? Offensive enough to mesmerize Magneto?
TIMMY
Umm... I have no idea, sir. I've never met those people. What I can tell you is, it's strong enough to repel freshman girls.
XAVIER
So... some testing is in order. Timmy, please demonstrate your ability. Hit me. Best you've got.
TIMMY
If you're sure, Professor. Get ready.
[ TWO MINUTES LATER ]
XAVIER
Timmy?
TIMMY
Yes, sir?
XAVIER
Here's some Speed Stick. And it wouldn't hurt if you took a shower once a day.
TIMMY
But... Do I get to be an X-Man?
XAVIER
Please send in the next candidate on your way out.
END OF ISSUE #1
OPEN ON the office of CHARLES XAVIER. A teen boy sits in front of him.
XAVIER
Welcome to Xavier's Institute for Gifted Youngsters, young man. How may I help you today.
TEEN BOY
Thank you, Professor. My name's Timmy. I-- I'm afraid I'm a mutant.
XAVIER
Timmy, being a mutant ... **** superior ... is nothing to be afraid of. That is why we exist.
TIMMY
Good. Cool. Sir, I'd... I'd like to be an X-Man.
XAVIER
Well, that's a special program for our most advanced students, Timmy. Perhaps we could start you out on our New Mutant team. What is your mutant ability, my boy?
TIMMY
Umm... this is kind of embarrassing.
XAVIER
Think nothing of it. Believe me, I've seem many strange mutations in my day.
TIMMY
They call me... Stinky Pits.
XAVIER
Stinky Pits? As in...?
TIMMY
My underarms. They stink, sir. Like... bad.
XAVIER
I see. That would make you primarily a defense team member.
TIMMY
Oh, believe me, Professor. It's pretty offensive. Just ask Jenny Augmon.
XAVIER
And who is she?
TIMMY
The girl who named me. When I asked her out. She said, right there in the cafeteria where everyone could hear, 'I would never go to a prom with you, Stinky Pits!'
XAVIER
Well, mutants face all sorts of persecution for their abilities. Tell me, is your ability strong enough to jolt Juggernaut? Offensive enough to mesmerize Magneto?
TIMMY
Umm... I have no idea, sir. I've never met those people. What I can tell you is, it's strong enough to repel freshman girls.
XAVIER
So... some testing is in order. Timmy, please demonstrate your ability. Hit me. Best you've got.
TIMMY
If you're sure, Professor. Get ready.
[ TWO MINUTES LATER ]
XAVIER
Timmy?
TIMMY
Yes, sir?
XAVIER
Here's some Speed Stick. And it wouldn't hurt if you took a shower once a day.
TIMMY
But... Do I get to be an X-Man?
XAVIER
Please send in the next candidate on your way out.
END OF ISSUE #1
1 - 6 of 6 Posts
TEEN BOY HOLDING NOSE
Hello sir.
XAVIER
Please excuse the smell. I understand you have a unique ability.
TEEN BOY
Yes sir. My name is Edward and I sparkle.
Hello sir.
XAVIER
Please excuse the smell. I understand you have a unique ability.
TEEN BOY
Yes sir. My name is Edward and I sparkle.
LOL! I want to try.SBJones said:TEEN BOY HOLDING NOSE
Hello sir.
XAVIER
Please excuse the smell. I understand you have a unique ability.
TEEN BOY
Yes sir. My name is Edward and I sparkle.
LARGE MAN IN BEER HAT
*Knocks Edward aside*
Mr. Xavier, let me introduce myself. I am CROWD MAN.
XAVIER
*facepalm*
And what is your unique mutant ability?
CROWD MAN
I can get any crowd into a chant. You know 'The Wave'? I started that.
XAVIER
I fail to see how that is a mutant ability.
CROWD MAN
*Raises arms* OREGON!
XAVIER & EDWARD
BEA-VERS!!! *Clap, Clap, Clap*
EDWARD
Hey! Stop that. I'm a Husky.
XAVIER:
And I'm done. NEXT!
Well done, R.A.
And, go, Pacific Northwest references!
And, go, Pacific Northwest references!
ISSUE #2: The Dark Tabby Saga
OPEN ON the office of Charles Xavier. A young girl is sitting in a chair opposite him. Charles seems fatigued.
XAVIER
Welcome to my School for Gifted Youngsters. What brings you to us, young lady?
YOUNG LADY
I'm cursed.
XAVIER
Some mutants do regard their abilities as a curse rather than a blessing, it's true. But let me assure you, young lady, such thinking is the product of small minds. What is your name?
YOUNG LADY
You can call me Tabby. But my boyfriend, Glenny, calls me Cursed.
XAVIER
If you like that name, we can use it initially. However, I may have some more-positive suggestions for you as a code-name, once we get to know you better.
TABBY
I want to be an X-Man.
XAVIER
*sigh* So does everyone. What is your mutant ability, Tabby?
TABBY
More like what isn't my mutant ability. I have several.
XAVIER
One ability at a time, then.
TABBY
Well, first, I can tell twins apart. They don't even look remotely alike. Not to me, anyway.
XAVIER
...that... might come in handy in a situation or two. What else can you do?
TABBY
Well, I'm allergic to just about everything. At least it seems like that. The list of things I can't eat is far longer than the list of things I can.
XAVIER
I'm not sure how that would be of use in a conflict between Magneto's Brotherhood of Mutants and the X-Men
TABBY
You're telling me! But I'm just getting warmed up. I have a green thumb. Kinda.
XAVIER
Wonderful. You can cause plants to grow rapidly, and to extreme sizes? That would be a unique ability with battlefield implications.
TABBY
Oh, nothing like that. I just mean I remember to water them and stuff. Give me a plant to take care of while you're out saving the world, and they won't die. Well, usually not.
XAVIER (rubbing his temples)
Got anything else?
TABBY
Oh, I saved the best for last!
XAVIER
What's that?
TABBY
I can break just about any piece of technology you give me. Especially if it involves email.
XAVIER
Ahh, you have electro-disruptive abilities, then? Shadowcat -- Kitty Pryde -- has a limited scope of that sort of ability when she's in her phase mode. A more powerful electro-disruptor could offer my X-Men some strategic advantages. Care to demonstrate?
TABBY
Sure. Do you have a smartphone, or a tablet, or something?
XAVIER
I have the latest iPad. Is that...?
TABBY
That'll work. So, you have no trouble with your email, right?
XAVIER
I use Gmail, and I've sent and received over a hundred emails today alone.
TABBY
Gimme. All I'm going to do here is sign out, sign back in, and then send myself a simple email that says Hi.
XAVIER
I've had this iPad for over a year. It works flawlessly.
TABBY
Umm...
XAVIER
What's wrong?
TABBY
It froze up.
XAVIER
It's an iPad. These machines don't just freeze up.
TABBY
Well I don't know what to tell you, dude, but it's froze.
XAVIER
Let me see it.
[TWO minutes pass.]
TABBY
Something wrong?
XAVIER
I'm trying to reboot it.
TABBY
How's that working for you?
XAVIER
[pressing intercom]
Henry McCoy to my office, please.
[ TEN minutes later... ]
McCOY
It's bricked.
XAVIER
Henry, you're my highest-IQ student of all time. I do not need this headache.
TABBY
I'm sorry, but what can I say, dude? You asked me to demonstrate, I demonstrated.
XAVIER
You didn't even log out, let alone anything else.
TABBY
But I---
XAVIER
That's not a mutant ability.
TABBY
I could try again. Don't you have a supercomputer around here that helps you find other mutants?
XAVIER
Stay away from Cerebro!
TABBY
Jeez, okay. Chill out.
XAVIER
Thank you for your time, Tabby, but I'm afraid there's not a place for you here. You're not a mutant.
TABBY
That's not what Glenny tells me.
XAVIER
Good day. Please send in the next candidate on your way out.
END OF ISSUE #2
OPEN ON the office of Charles Xavier. A young girl is sitting in a chair opposite him. Charles seems fatigued.
XAVIER
Welcome to my School for Gifted Youngsters. What brings you to us, young lady?
YOUNG LADY
I'm cursed.
XAVIER
Some mutants do regard their abilities as a curse rather than a blessing, it's true. But let me assure you, young lady, such thinking is the product of small minds. What is your name?
YOUNG LADY
You can call me Tabby. But my boyfriend, Glenny, calls me Cursed.
XAVIER
If you like that name, we can use it initially. However, I may have some more-positive suggestions for you as a code-name, once we get to know you better.
TABBY
I want to be an X-Man.
XAVIER
*sigh* So does everyone. What is your mutant ability, Tabby?
TABBY
More like what isn't my mutant ability. I have several.
XAVIER
One ability at a time, then.
TABBY
Well, first, I can tell twins apart. They don't even look remotely alike. Not to me, anyway.
XAVIER
...that... might come in handy in a situation or two. What else can you do?
TABBY
Well, I'm allergic to just about everything. At least it seems like that. The list of things I can't eat is far longer than the list of things I can.
XAVIER
I'm not sure how that would be of use in a conflict between Magneto's Brotherhood of Mutants and the X-Men
TABBY
You're telling me! But I'm just getting warmed up. I have a green thumb. Kinda.
XAVIER
Wonderful. You can cause plants to grow rapidly, and to extreme sizes? That would be a unique ability with battlefield implications.
TABBY
Oh, nothing like that. I just mean I remember to water them and stuff. Give me a plant to take care of while you're out saving the world, and they won't die. Well, usually not.
XAVIER (rubbing his temples)
Got anything else?
TABBY
Oh, I saved the best for last!
XAVIER
What's that?
TABBY
I can break just about any piece of technology you give me. Especially if it involves email.
XAVIER
Ahh, you have electro-disruptive abilities, then? Shadowcat -- Kitty Pryde -- has a limited scope of that sort of ability when she's in her phase mode. A more powerful electro-disruptor could offer my X-Men some strategic advantages. Care to demonstrate?
TABBY
Sure. Do you have a smartphone, or a tablet, or something?
XAVIER
I have the latest iPad. Is that...?
TABBY
That'll work. So, you have no trouble with your email, right?
XAVIER
I use Gmail, and I've sent and received over a hundred emails today alone.
TABBY
Gimme. All I'm going to do here is sign out, sign back in, and then send myself a simple email that says Hi.
XAVIER
I've had this iPad for over a year. It works flawlessly.
TABBY
Umm...
XAVIER
What's wrong?
TABBY
It froze up.
XAVIER
It's an iPad. These machines don't just freeze up.
TABBY
Well I don't know what to tell you, dude, but it's froze.
XAVIER
Let me see it.
[TWO minutes pass.]
TABBY
Something wrong?
XAVIER
I'm trying to reboot it.
TABBY
How's that working for you?
XAVIER
[pressing intercom]
Henry McCoy to my office, please.
[ TEN minutes later... ]
McCOY
It's bricked.
XAVIER
Henry, you're my highest-IQ student of all time. I do not need this headache.
TABBY
I'm sorry, but what can I say, dude? You asked me to demonstrate, I demonstrated.
XAVIER
You didn't even log out, let alone anything else.
TABBY
But I---
XAVIER
That's not a mutant ability.
TABBY
I could try again. Don't you have a supercomputer around here that helps you find other mutants?
XAVIER
Stay away from Cerebro!
TABBY
Jeez, okay. Chill out.
XAVIER
Thank you for your time, Tabby, but I'm afraid there's not a place for you here. You're not a mutant.
TABBY
That's not what Glenny tells me.
XAVIER
Good day. Please send in the next candidate on your way out.
END OF ISSUE #2
1 - 6 of 6 Posts
- This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Kindle Forum
A forum community dedicated to Amazon Kindle owners, authors, and enthusiasts. Come join the discussion about publishing, audio, troubleshooting, models, styles, reviews, accessories, classifieds, and more!
Full Forum Listing
Explore Our Forums
Recommended Communities
