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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Well, I've gone back to the drawing board and tried to re work this synopsis. And now I'm wondering if it's too long? What do you think? Does it pull you in and make you want to read it? I'm almost banging my head against the wall with it. :) So any suggestions would be great.

Oh, and just so you know it's the second book in the series.

Shield the Heart (a YA novel)

Lilly's gift of reading the heart seemed like a curse, but when she discovered her gift was linked to an old, Russian prophecy it changed everything. What she never questioned, though, was her own heart.

When the prophecy pulls Lilly back to Russia and demands to be fulfilled she is torn between love and loyalty. She must make the most difficult decision of her life and choose between the two. But Lilly's decision is farther reaching than even she is willing to acknowledge. It stretches from east to west; from the past to the future.

But there's more to the old prophecy than Lilly realized. Will enemy forces try to stop her?

One thing is certain - there will be casualties. And sparing those closest to her may be impossible. While Seth attempts to shield Lilly from truth, Nikolai reveals secrets that could change everything.

As Lilly falls into the arms of Russia she must decide. Will love or loyalty reign? And can she live with the consequences? Two sides compete for Lilly's heart and she must find the answers she needs before her enemies find her.

Shield the Heart, by T.K. Richardson, is the riveting second book in the series and takes Lilly deeper into Russia's mysterious past… and her future.

Thanks for your input!
 

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Hi. I like it like this (I just took out 2 paragraphs):

"Shield the Heart (a YA novel)

Lilly’s gift of reading the heart seemed like a curse, but when she discovered her gift was linked to an old, Russian prophecy it changed everything. What she never questioned, though, was her own heart.

When the prophecy pulls Lilly back to Russia and demands to be fulfilled she is torn between love and loyalty. She must make the most difficult decision of her life and choose between the two. But Lilly’s decision is farther reaching than even she is willing to acknowledge. It stretches from east to west; from the past to the future.

But there’s more to the old prophecy than Lilly realized. Will enemy forces try to stop her?

Shield the Heart, by T.K. Richardson, is the riveting second book in the series and takes Lilly deeper into Russia’s mysterious past… and her future. "

By the middle of the second paragraph I wanted to read the book, so it works for me. :) I have a short attention span, though. I think that's why I like it better without the paragraphs I took out. They were good paragraphs, though. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you! *stops banging head* I might reconsider those 2 paragraphs...

I so appreciate the help!
 

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For me, your synopsis feels a bit disjointed - as though the sentences aren't always related to each other. It's not pulling me in. Sorry. :(

I've had a play with it here - but I think mainly it needs those missing elements in brackets - to make the enemy threat and love interest clearer.

--------------------------
Lilly [surname] has the gift of reading everyone's heart but her own.

When she finds that her skill was foretold by an ancient Russian prophecy, she faces a life-changing decision. Torn between love and loyalty, Lilly's actions will affect East and West, past and future.

On one side [something here about who her enemies are or why she has enemies], on the other, Seth [surname - and something about who he is], who is trying to shield her from the truth.

Will love or loyalty triumph? And will Lilly learn to listen to the secrets of her own heart?
---------------------------

Amanda
 

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I noticed some ambiguity in your description, which I do a lot in my descriptions too, so I totally sympathize.

Here's what I mean: She has to choose between love and loyalty. Love of who? A boyfriend? Her mom? Loyalty to what? Her decision is farther reaching...what happens if she chooses wrong? Are we talking about war? A bus full of people that will blow up? Will enemy forces try to stop her? How, are these people with guns from the government or are we talking about demons from the underworld? Casualties from what? Who are Seth and Nikolai?

I hope this helps you be a bit more specific. I know when people asked me questions about mine it really helped.

Vicki
 

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Chris Slusser said:
By the middle of the second paragraph I wanted to read the book, so it works for me. :) I have a short attention span, though. I think that's why I like it better without the paragraphs I took out. They were good paragraphs, though. :)
I don't know if you're still working on it but agree with this. I'm not immuned to super-concise product descriptions myself, but you've already got me there!
 

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If it is book two, are the events described related to book two or book one.  It read to me like a first book, not a second one.  Perhaps adding in a sentence that stems from book one so we know its a sequel. 

Like: Three years after discovering the truth behind her gift, Lilly finds herself in heart of Soviet Russia.

IDK.  Something like that so it implies an earlier book.  Also don't be afraid to blurb about things only current readers would know.  If we read book one, we know about her gift, it does not need to be explained again.  It reminds me of the first Star Trek: The Next Generation movie.  7 years of the tv show and when the movie comes out they spend 10 minutes explaining that Data is a robot and Geordi is blind and uses a visor to see.
 
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