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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm coming to the finish line for The Wayfarer King (sequel to Kinshield), and I've kind of dragged my feet on the blurb. I have a few versions, but none of them strike me as The One. Here's my favorite. If you don't mind, tell me what could be improved.

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Ritol, the most powerful beyonder from the realm of chaos, has been magically trapped in the palace for over two hundred years. While Ritol remains imprisoned in the realm of men, the beyonder invasion will never end, and innocent people will continue to die.

Having newly claimed the right to rule Thendylath as king, former warrant knight Gavin Kinshield must protect his people by ending the beyonder attacks. Along with the crown, Gavin received the power of Wayfarer, giving him the power to journey to all seven realms. To end the invasion, he must journey to the realm of chaos and summon Ritol. But can he escape before the demon kills him, devours his soul and takes his place as Wayfarer?

If wizard Brodas Ravenkind has his way, Gavin will never make it that far. Not only does Brodas want the throne for himself, he wants revenge for his cousin's murder too. After all, he made a promise the first time Gavin crossed him…
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More info:
beyonders are basically monsters that seem to pop out of thin air and attack whoever they come upon. Ritol is the biggest, baddest of them all and is referred to as an it, often called a demon or "the beyonder prince."

Gavin *just* became king at the end of book 1. He has no army and no money.

Thanks in advance for your help!
 

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Just bumping this for you, K.C. :)  I would offer feedback but I honestly suck at blurb-writing :p
 

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kcmay said:
More info:
beyonders are basically monsters that seem to pop out of thin air and attack whoever they come upon. Ritol is the biggest, baddest of them all and is referred to as an it, often called a demon or "the beyonder prince."

Gavin *just* became king at the end of book 1. He has no army and no money.
This information would have been great in the blurb because I kept wondering, who are beyonders and why should I care. When I learned about them I thought it was pretty cool. So these are key for the blurb imho.

Caedem
 

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Here is a stab at it. I tried to bring in some of the information you gave earlier.  Some of the language may not be "fantasy" so you may need to tweak. Take, leave or add as you please.

Good luck with your book.

Caedem

Beyonders - evil beings that materialize on earth from their dimension - continue to invade the kingdom of Thendylath, destroying everything in their path. The most powerful beyonder, Ritol, has been trapped for two hundred years inside a palace in one of the outer realms, called chaos.

New King Gavin Kinshield has no money or army but he is determined to protect his kingdom of Thendylath from the beyonder attacks. King Kinshield has the power of Wayfarer, giving him the ability to journey to all seven realms. To end the invasion, he must journey to the realm of chaos to summon Ritol. But he must battle other beyonders on his way, as they try to devour his soul and take the power of the Wayfarer.

As King Kinshield battles the beyonders, Wizard Brodas Ravenkind slowly weaves plans to take the king’s throne and avenge his cousin’s murder.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
CaedemMarquez said:
Here is a stab at it. I tried to bring in some of the information you gave earlier. Some of the language may not be "fantasy" so you may need to tweak. Take, leave or add as you please.
Hey, thanks, Caedem! I appreciate it. I think I can use your structure. This is book 2, so presumably people who've read book 1 will know what a beyonder is (and if they haven't read book 1, then they should expect to feel lost - LOL!), but I do think including the info in the blurb will help remind folks who read it a year ago.

Thanks for the thread bumpage. :)
 

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K.C.,

My take on the blurb is that it could be structured a bit better to invite readers to read more.  As is, I think the blurb might tend to turn people away.

You have written a story that probably relies on a basic tension between protag and antag.  The protag wants to preserve the kingdom (or his lover, or his race, or whatever) from some malevolent threat.  I don't know what the basic struggle is, but rather than going into specifics--names, places, and so on--you could invite readers more effectively by describing the struggle that is the focus of the novel.  Only after you've done that for one or two sentences do you mention names, places, or unusual concepts.  As is, you have unusual names, unusual places, and unusual ideas right from the get-go, and it's completely disorienting.  Orient people in your world by presenting commonly understood ideas, then, only after you have established a firm connection, go on and use the names and places and strange ideas if you feel it will be helpful to draw people in.  It's a marketing tool, remember, not a précis or even necessarily an accurate description of the novel.  All the blurb does is entice people to read more.  This one, as written, turns people away by being too disorienting.
 

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K.C.,
I really liked your blurb.  Your readers from the first book will know all of this, but for me, I was kind of confused by the fact that "beyonders" weren't capitalized.  If they were, I think it would be easier to read.  (Although, I assume you have a reason for not capitalizing them.)  I reworked a couple of lines, slightly, mainly to make it clearer for someone who isn't familiar with the story to follow what's happening. (I put a * at the front and back of every line I changed).  Once I figured out who was who and what was happening, I was engaged and I think your last two paragraphs are great.  Good luck.


Ritol, the most powerful beyonder from the realm of chaos, has been magically trapped in *a* palace for over two hundred years. *For all of those two hundred years, innocent people have died because,* while Ritol remains imprisoned, beyonders continue to invade the realm of man.

Having newly claimed the right to rule Thendylath as king, former warrant knight Gavin Kinshield must protect his people by ending the beyonder attacks. Along with the crown, Gavin received the power of Wayfarer: *the power to journey to all seven realms. *To end the invasion, he must journey to the realm of chaos and summon Ritol. But can he escape before the demon kills him, devours his soul and takes his place as Wayfarer?

If wizard Brodas Ravenkind has his way, Gavin will never make it that far. Not only does Brodas want the throne for himself, he wants revenge for his cousin's murder too. After all, he made a promise the first time Gavin crossed him…
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks so much for the help & tips! I've massaged these suggestions to fit the story facts and I think I now have a stronger, more "introductory" opening. :) I'm really excited about the upcoming release!
 
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